The Long and Short of It

Email us

2010-04-20T21:33:00.000-07:00

Email address for fans of The Long and the Short of It:

heartsdwelling@yahoo.com

I am moving in with Elaine

2006-12-09T13:34:00.000-08:00

I am sick and tired of the wide open spaces of Blogger. Anyone can get in. And besides they never named me blogger of the week or anything. Where are their marketing people, anyway? I would fire them. They have a gold mine under their nose, and they do not even say, "Thank you, Arthur, for sharing." Nothing.

Isn't that what the liberal "commons" is all about? Sharing? Blogger is liberal. I am conservative. Elaine is liberal, but she understands high finance. I am a hot property. She is going to let management in, too, but it is because of my coattails. She could not get in on her own. Like I said. Elaine is a ;iberal. She feels sorry for losers.

Well, I am not a loser, so I am outahere, dumb Blogger. I still have to be nice to management, though, because she could put me in the slammer like Barney's father sends terrorists to Gitmo. Then I could not blog or eat takeout.

Go here from now on.

Your friend,

Arthur

This is me

2006-12-07T20:05:00.000-08:00

My blog is a wreck. NONE of my friends will know where I have gone. My assistant wants to blame Blogger. that is how liberals operate. They do not take responsibility. They blame society or google. Well, I am here on my very own blog to tell you that SHE screwed up. It is not society. It is not blogger. She was tired from liberal screeching about injustice, and she pushed the wrong button. I know she will buy me an expensive present for Christmas or else I would move in with Barney. I think he is in Paraguay right now. He has to get back for his party. I am invited as I reported before on this blog. I will not do a hot link, because I am afraid you-know-who has jinxed this computer on top of everything else. Maybe I can get some advice at Barney's party about servants. I hope I figure out a plan soon, or I will be blogging in smoke signals thanks to pesky labor. I think I will cancel her vacation.

You're FIRED

2006-12-06T18:06:00.000-08:00

My assistant just messed up my blog.

She switched me to the beta blogger, and now my handsome picture is gone. Also my very interesting profile.

She is too tired to fix it.

Well, too DAMN BAD.

I do not swear, beause this is a family blog, but I am sure everyone will understand. This is horrible. I think she sabotaged me on purpose. She is so jealous of my traffic.

I need to call Tracey. Fast.

Republican Dogs from Yesteryear

2006-12-03T15:59:00.000-08:00

My park was a present from a man who loved dogs.

He did not give it to me exactly, but he gave it to the public. That includes me. But I am pretty much in charge of telling off littering bipeds and squirrels who steal the acorns.

He was a Republican, like me. Everyone who is anyone is a Republican.

Republicans used to give away parks and libraries. Now they move their money to the Bahamas because they do not like to pay taxes. We are gracious and give jobs to the little people. They can buy their own books today, and if they were any good, they would own their own park.

I do not own this park, but maybe I will buy it when I hit #1 on the bestseller list.

Then I will make a list of who can come in. If you are nice to me or bring me treats, it will go a long way. Even if you are a Democrat. I do not discriminate.

Big fat rip off

2006-11-29T17:16:00.000-08:00

I have been shopping for Christmas presents for my friends and even for management. Everything is politics, you know. Keep the boss happy and all that.

As you can see this is a calendar that someone stole an idea for from MY BLOG. I do not know any other dogs that blog. I do not even know any other dogs that can type. All those guys I met in the slammer were pretty slow. So where does this calendar company get off?

“I had my own blog for a while, but I decided to go back to just pointless, incessant barking.”

That is so wrong. I do not like how fancy New Yorkers just take anything they see. “Oh, look. A blog by a Corgi. Isn’t that fun? Let’s make up a cartoon about him. He does not know anyone. He cannot hurt us.”

Memo to New Yorker: I know Barney Bush. And you are in b-i-g trouble. Also we know Elaine in New York and Akamaru. Also Fluff. Sparky, too. They will march right into your office and protest. You will be sorry. Also my lawyer is going to sue you.

Merry Christmas.

So long sushi

2006-11-24T18:28:00.000-08:00

Sushi is raw fish. Japan invented it. A spy from Russia ate some, and he died. That is because another spy put poison in it. He was in London.

I think you should stick to the basics like cheese fries and KFC. They do not put polonium 210 in Kentucky Fried. They would glow in the dark if they did. Besides, this is America. We go bowling and balance our portfolios. If we do not like someone, we cut them out of our will or sue them for $10 million. I am glad we won the cold war. Russians talk funny, anyway.

We are scamming free wifi in the car and eating treats. We do not know any spies.

Thanksgiving alert: I like dark meat

2006-11-22T17:17:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving is the day you eat until you feel like you will pop. Then you take a nap. Then you go outside. Then it is time for a snack like more turkey or apple pie.

There is a movie called Batman. In it there is a very, very bad guy named Joker. He has a giant helium balloon. It sprays poison on the people and dogs of Gotham City.

Also there is a parade on TV on Thanksgiving morning when the bipeds are running into each other in the kitchen - and a certain someone is drinking Royal Kir or Bloody Marys - well, anyway, the parade is called the Macy’s parade. They have a lot of helium balloons, more than Joker. They do not have poison in them. Except it does not matter to the boss, because she says she will never shop in Macy’s again until they change the name of Marshall Fields back to Marshall Field and Company, not Macy’s. I do not care.

There is a helium shortage. There is not a shortage of hot air.

Cheap Trick

2006-11-19T06:46:00.000-08:00

Lately we have been finding money everywhere.

Mostly dimes. When boss lady was swearing and picking up junk from our beach, she found a 1986 quarter just sitting there on the sand. Well, we got a stick and started to dig in case robbers buried their loot and forgot it.

We find pennies all the time. We save them. Ten pennies make a dime. Etc. We conservatives understand finance. We also understand that it is better to use someone else’s money if you are making an investment. Only you get their profit, too. And you can use their money as collateral to get more money if you play your cards right.

In case you do not know what collateral is, you better go read someone else’s blog, because I do not have time to baby sit dopes.

We conservatives lay it on the line. There is a skinny biped called Ann Coulter. She is a conservative. She calls people names all the time. Her boyfriend buys a lot of her books so that it looks like they are bestsellers. Then she goes on TV and yells at liberals.

I could get used to that.

How now, har kow

2006-11-16T11:53:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while I am multicultural.

For example, we had Chinese takeout for lunch. I stick to the tried and true like Moo goo gai pan and wonton. There is another dish called Har Kow. It has nothing to do with cows. It is shrimp.

I do not understand why they have names like Moo and Kow. All I know is that the boss can have all the bok choy and mushrooms. I will take the gai and har.

Egg drop soup is quite delicious, but I prefer wonton soup. You-know-who always gets hot and sour. That is because of her personality, but you did not hear that here. Har, har.

Here is my fortune: "You will ink a deal with Tracey Rosengrave."

Smart cookie! I am so clever.

Hobnobbing

2006-11-11T17:35:00.000-08:00

If you are like me your mailbox has started to fill up with fancy party invitations for the holidays. My page-a-day calendar does not have enough room to write down everything I am invited to. I suppose I will have to take the boss to one or two things, but she is a social zero.

At Christmastime we have to pretend that blabbery liberals are almost as good as we stout Americans are. But that is only for about a half hour or so at the office Christmas party. We sweep in with our fur coats and everyday crowns: "Hello. Happy holidays. Good bye."

At the power parties where we put on the Ritz, we do not pretend to reach out. We want to get our way in everything. We are snobs.

Poor Barney is a wreck. Karl Rove called him a stupid poodle. Barney is a Scottish Terrier. Karl Rove has a cat named Mini-Me, so consider the source. There is a lot of yelling at Barney's White House with the bipeds tripping over empty gin bottles and his grandmother, Bar. Bar and Barney. We rulers have cute names. Management once knew a Player named Cooie. She wore Dashikis and La Perla underwear.

Back to my appointment calendar. Then a massage at the club. Ta.

Peter Quince eats risotto

2006-11-10T07:04:00.000-08:00

The boss listens to a classical music station on the radio. It is called WFMT. It is FM. That means it is liberal.

Today they were reading an ad for a restaurant. You could order a citrus reduction and quince risotto. It is in a German neighborhood, but I do not know how risotto got into a German restaurant. Risotto is Italian. Germans like spätzle. Also cabbage.

Lots of people started to cook these foreign foods when yuppie baby boomers stopped smoking pot long enough to buy something besides Oreo cookies and pizza. The boss used to own a Krups coffee maker and an Atlas pasta machine. Before my time. I hope that she has learned something from this solid American. Dunkin’ Donuts and Kraft macaroni and cheese are gourmet enough for me.

They are having a fund raiser on WFMT to soak all the liberals so they can keep playing French music and advertising quail en croute. Businessmen like me also give them money, but that is so we can still be cut throats only with Beethoven playing in the background.

There was a movie about Beethoven. He was a Saint Bernard.

Cheers to a loyal reader!

2006-11-07T15:00:00.000-08:00

When I was spying on Elaine's blog one day, I noticed that you said your birthday was November 5th, Guy Fawkes Day. He tried to blow up the House of Lords in 1605. He was Catholic. I am a Buddhist. What about you?

If you did not have enough cake or other dessert, maybe we can send you something. Also, management has a free little coupon for a McBlizzard from McDonald's. It was on a Monopoly piece which was pasted on her hash browns which she did not eat and neither did I because I was in the mood for a cinnamon roll, but, anyway, it expires November 14. I do not know who will get to use it because Fatso does not need any ice cream and she will not let me have any.

Did you ever put sparklers on your birthday cake for Guy Fawkes Day? We had neighbors that owned a lot of fireworks. I do not suppose you could bake a cherry bomb inside a cake. Maybe you could cut a hole in a Boston creme pie and put the cherry bomb in it and then fill in around it with more creme. Yum. Let the maid light it just in case.

Exploding M&M's? Endless possibilities. I need to call the patent office.

Arthur of Arabia

2006-11-06T07:14:00.000-08:00

The boss went junk hunting yesterday. I went wading and jogging. Then I did a security check of the territory. Lady bugs and a stray dog were all the intruders I saw. Naturally, the liberal bleeding heart gave the stray some food. He didn’t want dog food. No, he wanted a chicken leg. That is what happens when you give charity. They want steak and chicken. Not Brand X.

Here I am after inspecting some drift wood. You-know-who was busy picking up bottle caps and “plastic crap”, as she calls it. Ha ha. Typical liberal – picking up someone else’s trash, so that true consuming Americans can buy more and throw it on the beach.

I need a big drink.

Word. Part 2.

2006-11-03T05:57:00.000-08:00

Somebody named Mel Bochner painted this. It is in a show called Language at the Art Institute of Chicago. They do not allow dogs inside the Art Institute, so I had my assistant go there and take some pictures. They have pizza in the cafeteria. Excellent oatmeal cookies with raisins, too. Chocolate cake once in a while. It is a good place to eat lunch and look at art.

This is one of Mel's Thesaurus Paintings. He got the words from a real Thesaurus by a French person named Roget. John Kerry needs to read his Thesaurus before he makes any more dumb jokes.

The witches of Iowa

2006-11-01T17:14:00.000-08:00

Browsing through management’s ‘My Pictures’ I find this ignoramus sign, ‘Dog Hitching Post’. It is from the woods in Iowa. They are so liberal in Iowa City I suppose they ride their dogs to work to save energy. You cannot do anything Republican there, either, so they all go into the woods to work at finding berries and mushrooms and seeds instead of doing deals and shoving old ladies under buses so they do not have to pay them a pension.

They sell the seeds and berries at the open air market. Also they weave grass into toboggans. You cannot use coal for snowman eyes or anything because coal is not clean. You have to be clean in Iowa only you cannot waste water on baths or showers. That is why liberals are so crazy. They are always making up stupid rules.

The only hitching I am interested in is marrying management off to the hotdog salesman and hitching my wagon to a star. I am already a star. That would be like a super nova.

Boo!

2006-10-31T15:07:00.000-08:00

Ha ha. It is Halloween. I am pacing the floor wondering where management is and if she remembered to buy treats for the young bipeds. Ordinarily I do not care about biped children. In the old days they would play stick with me. That was before I was really famous like I am now. They squeal and jump around a lot. I like my peace and quiet. Also, I do not like to share, as all my loyal fans and readers already know, and little toddlers want attention. I am a political animal, though. If attracting little bipeds once a year because we have fun size candy bars - not those shrimpy bite size cheater treats - means a chocolate bonanza for me, I can hold my nose and count my Snickers. Results are what it's all about.

Word.

2006-10-30T17:27:00.000-08:00

That is what all the liberals say when they wish they had said what you just said. “Word.”

Word this. Here is the collar my gangsta friends are going to get for me because I did not rat them out when they were writing words on the jailhouse walls. I save my words for my blog and newsletter. Also, I am too short to write on a wall. It is a handicap I get a lot of mileage out of. You can see the name of my blog: The Long and Short of it. Short has been bery, bery good to me.

The first guy who said that about bery, bery said, “Baseball been bery, bery good to me.” I do not know if he is a Detroit Tigers fan, but they lost the World Series. If you read my blog, you will learn a lot. Any team that is named after cats should not even be allowed to play in the World Series. They have it all mixed up in baseball. The team that does not ever play in the World Series is named after baby bears.

Well, I did not receive my bling bling collar in the mail yet. Maybe they do not have enough stamps.

I am the greatest star

2006-10-29T12:39:00.000-08:00

Because I am sick and tired of waiting for the dumb bunnies that run Pizza Hut and Popeye's Chicken to come to me, my agent sent me out to get my picture taken a bunch of times doing things like here where I am supposed to be modeling my collar. We could not get ahold of my friends from the Bastille (That is French) to tell them where to send my bling bling, so I wore my regular collar. It is persimmon colored according to management. Dogs are color blind, but this dog knows green. Persimmon is another color they use in catalogs.

I will show you the collar I am supposed to get in the mail from the dogz in the hood. Blogger is a bitch today, and we have to get going so the boss can burn calories. Also we have a beach fight meeting. Then dinner. I am busy. What can I say?

Sprung from the joint

2006-10-23T10:09:00.000-07:00

We had a communications blackout at the animal incarceration facility a/k/a the dog hotel. Hotel Gitmo, maybe. That is why I did not post any energetic and smart editorials or columns on my blog. They also found crust crumbs and tomato sauce from our pizza party all over the work station, so we were on lockdown 24/7. Oh, and one of the cats threw up on the keyboard.

This is me today after the boss bailed me out. We took a walk by our beach. They keep moving logs and rocks around where I do not know they are.

Then I had a chocolate donut hole from Dunkin' Donuts. I think we will have to hang out there more.often. I like my coffee with 3 sugars and cream. Thank you.

I heard the slammer warden telling management that I sleep very hard, and they worry that I am dead. Then they give her a big, fat bill to prove how much they care.

They do not even have CNN. No field trips. No movies or potluck suppers. You would act dead, too. These bipeds are so boring.

Well, managemment feels really guilty, so I expect she will buy me a lot of treats this week and we will go on rides to cool places. Also, I have a photo shoot for Leo Burnett.

Busted and disgusted

2006-10-15T18:21:00.000-07:00

None of the biped workers showed up here today. It is Sunday. They charge you anyway. My accountant is going to hear about this.

One of my new friends is a pretty good hacker. He is a Border Collie. I do not know what he is in for. We ordered pizza for everyone, even the cats. Tuna pizza. We used John Kerry's VISA card. Like I said, my friend is good.

Later he hacked Management's photo hosting service. This is what he found.

I guess there is not a lot to do in Iowa but take pictures of dish mops and little people in $700. strollers. The white boys are Truman and Winston. Truman does not have a clue. He was home schooled. It shows. Winston at least knows how to fetch his toys.

I think the boss took baby out around the University of Iowa. They have a lot of artsy coffee shops where they make socially conscious drip coffee and organic muffins. They read Harper's and The New Yorker. It is liberal. What can I say?

Parole Denied

2006-10-13T19:19:00.000-07:00

I did not feel like putting anything on my blog yesterday.

The boss called the joint here and said that she was not going to pick me up. I could tell that she was asking how I was and everything - big deal - and they said, "Oh, he is fine."

Well, what do you expect them to say?

I do not even care about my bling. Management does not love me any more. She is going to Iowa where there are two Maltese and a baby biped. Where does that leave me?

She said that she would send me a care package. So far - zilch. Not even a crummy bulk section dog cookie.

She is probably eating dinner out every night at fancy restaurants with her friends and taking the leftovers to her sister's cats. One of them is named Charles. The other one is George. They are stupid - needless to say. I used to live with Charles. OK, so I was a little rude to him. He weighs 13 pounds. it is not like he is a little kitten or anything.

Management can wear her used jewelry from eBay. I will wear my diamonds. She has another think coming if she sees my bling bling and wants to borrow it. If she wants some, she can go to the bastille. That is French.

Gangstas

2006-10-10T19:22:00.000-07:00

I have been learning some new things from my friends here in the slammer. They come from the 'hood. That is short for neighborhood. They be sprayin' graf on the walls. They do not know too many words, and they have bad penmanship. On one wall they put 'Booty' and 'Bitch, you ain't that fine.' I am a trustee, so I am supposed to bust them, but they said they could get me some bling for my collar. So I take a nap when they act all crazy 'n sh*t. Management took my collar, so they will have to mail my bling to me. They better get plenty of insurance. I will have to remind them.

Inmate literacy program

2006-10-09T09:30:00.000-07:00

Found an empty office. They let me do whatever I want here because I am old, and they think I cannot cause them any trouble. I am a trustee around this Alcatraz, because I am cute and conservative. Liberals do not get to be trustess. They get thrown into solitary.

My friends and I found this book. You can't believe how many of these dogs can't read. This is the propaganda they put out on Pembroke Welsh Corgis. "They do not nip as much as the Cardigan, but they are still not recommended for very young children."

Have you ever been around children of biped Yuppies? You would nip them, too.

Well, back to looking senile. Later.

Doin' time

2006-10-08T08:01:00.000-07:00

…---…

Blogging from the joint. Me, some mutts, a std poodle & a chow.

Cops just here. Choc lab mongrel crashed cat dorm. No arrests.

Ordered pizza last nite. Triple sausage. Yum. 2 xtra lg.

Chinese tonite. Fried won ton, curry steak.

Boss in Chgo. Better take-out there. Better left-overs, too.

We move soon. Hope cats do not come w/ us.

Whadaya call them stripes, boy?

2006-10-06T10:57:00.000-07:00

The focus group results are in, and I am sorry, but my conservative base would get mad at me if I linked to liberal whining. But I will tell you a story about our visit to the lake.

I think our car must have a magnet that attracts pick-up trucks. We were parked, and I was taking a stroll around, catching up on the dog news which you can find at every fire hydrant or post. I was very, very busy at an old log, and the boss kept interrupting me: "Come on. Let's go, Arthur." (I never respond to mere verbal notices. I have learned that she always has a treat hidden, and if I stall long enough, she will produce it. I drive a hard bargain, but that is why I am so successful.)

Well, yahoo, mountain dew, up drives a Ford truck with a driver who said, "What kind of a dog is that?"

The boss has a standard speech. "He's a Welsh Corgi. They're a herding breed. They nip at the heels of cattle or sheep."

In your dreams, maybe.

Ford said,"That's a Chicago dog, I bet. You're from Chicago, aren't you?"

Oh, God. I tried to get away, but Miss Friendly says,"Oh, I am a native, but I lived in Chicago, too. We're going back there soon."

Why do these liberals think they have to be so informative?

I know. Transparency. They want everything to be see-through.

Reconnaissance

2006-10-05T14:26:00.000-07:00

Coming soon!

The Dumpster Club for all loyal fans and blog guests or associates. I still haven't decided. I am an artist. Deadlines are for the staff.

Every dumpster included in the Dumpster Club will be inspected by me, so it can be called an ArthurCorgi Signature Dumpster. Here I give the once-over to an impressive candidate.

We are heading for my beach now. After the boss gets some coffee. Then she will report on it.

I might link to her shrivly little blog, but I do not want a bunch of liberals trashing my place. There is such a thing as being too nice.

Dormir

2006-10-04T12:03:00.000-07:00

Some days I do not feel like getting up right away in the morning or hopping to bossy commands. Take today, for instance. You will need some background.

Last night it was quite pleasant, so there were lots of bipeds in the park with their dogs. One such biped brought three (3) dogs, and they parked right beside us, but they were rude. What do you know but one (1) of the four-legged snobs was a Corgi. A red to be exact about it. A red is not as cute or wonderful as a tri-color like me. Management, I know because I see her google cache, has been looking up Corgis, especially reds. I guess when you have been to the mountain top, you go somewhere else the next time.

Anyway, I got out of the car to greet my many fans and inspect the grounds. Then the boss brushed me, but I made her chase me around, because she is getting fat. Then I had some water. Then the rude dogs ran right by me, and management was gushing over the dumb red. So, I decided to take a walk. It was kind of dark by the time I agreed to get back into the car.

After such a hectic visit to the park, I was bushed. (That means "tired". It does not have anything to do with my hero.) Today was a day for sleeping in. (See photo, left.)

The black cord thing is a rubber strip that will not stay stuck to the car. I do not think management knows what she is doing. It is time to buy a brand new Land Rover. It is named for a dog. I suppose you-know-who will buy a liberal car like a Prius.

A special treat for you

2006-10-03T12:16:00.000-07:00

I have decided to do something nice and thoughtful for my fan club members and blog associates. That's right. Even if you are too cheap or poor to join my fan club, I will still call you an associate. Maybe a guest. I haven't decided.

This is the outline of my generous offer. Do not think that I am sharing. That is for liberals. I am making you an offer you should not refuse.

For just 9.95 per month you can receive my informative newsletter, and if you choose a premium subscription, I will let you in on dining tips. As part of this terrific offer, your premium subscription will include an official decal for your car or cardboard box. Also my picture. Then once a month, I will write about the best dumpsters and garbage cans. Enter our exclusive drawing, and one lucky winner each month will get First Dive. It is my special way of saying Thank You to all you loyal fans and blog readers.

Pay attention and tell all your friends. Keep watching for more details.

Puppy love

2006-10-02T06:17:00.000-07:00

(I was much cuter than this.)

I enjoy young dogs.

When I have time to bum around, I google ‘puppy love’ or ‘corgi member’. There are some sick-o’s out there, and I want to catch them. They visit bad websites, so I visit them, too, so I can get a feel for what their sick, perverted minds are up to.

I am the Corgi Member of the GOP family values committee. That is why I google ‘corgi member’. Honest.

Some really jealous liberal bipeds are trying to say that we do not have any values at all, except maybe bargain basement values. That is because they have a nanny filter on their computers, and we do not, because we have to boldly go onto the web and check out smut. We are brave and true.

Ever since 9/11 I have been humping like crazy to keep on top of puppy porn. The terrorists will try anything. We must fight them on the web so they do not come to America.

Führer

2006-09-29T18:23:00.000-07:00

"I will not withdraw, even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting me."

That is Barney's father. I do not know which one is Laura. My assistant found this picture on the web. It says "Bush-Hunde". That is German. I think it means "Bush's hind-end." They have a lot of funny sayings in German.

Barney's father is a special American. He does not have to follow the rules like everybody else because they are not special. That is how you get to be President. You have to be special.

On the scent

2006-09-27T12:40:00.000-07:00

My detective skills are excellent. That is why the boss needed me to help her find pieces of plastic that some fitness crazy bipeds left on my beach when they had a contest because they did not have time to pick them up and nobody else did either except management but she was complaining the whole time.

First she was going to mail them to the people that had the contest because she is sick and tired of picking up everybody else's mess. You should hear her. We have a bag full of them and lots of pictures. They had the contest two months ago. Boy are they going to get a haircut.

Lonesome valley

2006-09-24T17:22:00.000-07:00

Oh, how nice. A lovely walk on a Sunday afternoon.

You have been watching Touched by an Angel reruns. I live in the real world where your biped bolts and you are left to walk the path alone. You do not hear or see as well as you used to, and you think, "Maybe she ditched me for good. Where will I get free WiFi? Who will buy my dog food and give me leftover cheeseburgers?"

Jaloux

2006-09-22T17:39:00.000-07:00

For my blog and newsletter subscribers who might think I am spoiled because I am an only dog who gets to ride along in the car with the boss just about everywhere and who has two boxes of sheets and towels to spread over the back seat that I have all to myself, well, guess again. I have a lot of competition, and the main reason I get to ride along in the car is because people will look in the car and think, "Oh. A dog. I will not break in this car and steal it." You see? Always an angle when you are dealing with a biped.

This evening we rode to the little lake-lette where they let you hunt but you cannot bring your dog or horse, so that management could see her friend, Mrs. Mallard Duck. She is a blabbermouth and a grabby pig - the stupid duck, I mean - if you ask me, but I sat in the car and pretended to be asleep. The guys in the 4x4's who are in the neighborhood watch and who would probably shoot Mrs. Mallard if they could aim straight do not know what a Corgi is, and I am beyond tired of, "Is that a cross between a shepherd and a beagle?" (Sure, Huckleberry. )

Today we took some Panera bread to Mrs. Mallard, and she was plucking at management's leg to get some more. Then some other bipeds in a blue car came with a big lunch in a box, and they were rude to Mrs. M., but she was practically jumping on their table.

So to lure the duck over to her, the boss put MY DOG FOOD on a plate on the ground. What do you know? The duck stayed by the other table. Here is your choice: a croque monsieur with pommes fritte or dog food. Take your pick.

I hope this canard does not think that she will use my blog as a platform to get into an AFLAC ad. Corgis are cuter than ducks any day.

Fore!

2006-09-20T17:08:00.000-07:00

The bipeds who run things around here want to put a golf course on my beach. I have never heard of a golf course that advertises, "Dogs welcome." or "Please bring your dog." They yap about families all the time. Well, who is a very important member of the family?

The deal is, they want to take land away from the poor people and give it to the rich, but to get everyone calmed down, they are saying that it will be a public golf course. They can charge a bunch of money, anyway. Poor people do not play golf, except that Tiger Woods was a sort of poor kid. I do not know if he had a dog.

Well, management thinks that they are pulling a bait and switch. If you give away the land, we will give you jobs, and you will be rich like Tiger Woods. Only you cannot get rich on $7.00 an hour. Also they might hire illegal immigrants to build it, not like Field of Dreams where Kevin Costner builds his own baseball field. Baseball is the All American game. Golf is kind of snooty. Baseball is not.

Management is a mess because the Mets won their division, and the Cubs might lose 100 games.

Sunday at the cemetery

2006-09-17T15:28:00.000-07:00

Miss Manager is a genealogist, or she thinks she is. That is when you spend hours and hours looking at mildewed papers. That is the definition of genealogy. Mold and mildew made respectable.

For fun - remember I am a big kidder on this blog - today we drove along a road called Red Bud Trail for quite a while, and then we stopped at a cemetery where there are dead bipeds. I am sorry they died and everything, but once again, there was a sign "NO DOGS". I do not know if they meant that you could not bury your dog there, or if dogs are not allowed to walk around saying,"I thought they were over here. 'Guess not." and other dumb comments.

I stayed in the car anyway. Then we drove back and bought some organic heirloom tomatoes.

"Beefsteak?" you say.

No. No steak. They do not have organic steak.

Then we went to the storage units where the boss always ends up slamming doors and swearing. Now we are at Panera. She is inside getting me a cinnamon bagel. We tried them, thanks to a trusted reader. They are excellent.

Corgi at Sunset

2006-09-14T18:02:00.000-07:00

We go to check out the beach pretty often. It is fall migration if you are a bird, so just a reminder, a lot of humans with binocculars will be stalking you. Management is a bird watcher.

"Ooh, ahhh, look at the piliated woodpecker in the dead tree!"
"Look, Jane."
"Over there, Dick."
"See anything?"
"Only a parasitic jaeger and a black-bellied plover,"
"Oh, that is too bad. I saw a pterodactyl and a carrier pigeon. They flew away. Fly, pterodactyl, fly."
"Bummer, Jane. I am just a dumb white male biped."
"That's right, Dick. You said it."

I am working on dialog for my book.

Free stuff

2006-09-10T16:23:00.000-07:00

We go to Panera Bread a lot because they have good soup, and management likes the Greek Salad. Also they have free WiFi, and you can get the signal in the car, which is very important for yours truly because, like most biped institutions, Panera will not let dogs come inside.

Well, yesterday, because management is such a good customer, they gave her a free whole grain baguette. It was still warm, and it smelled really, really good in the car when she brought it out. Also, they made too many whole grain baguettes, and they had to get rid of them.

Today we had bread and cheese. It was very chewy and delicious. It rained and was gloomy. It smelled like fall. The boss took a walk, but I just hung out with a golden retriever named Hannah and her brother. They were nice. They did not get any of our bread, though.

I hope I do not get sued because I am using one of my all time heroes, Snoopy, on my blog. My lawyer is already busy.

Back to school

2006-09-06T15:32:00.000-07:00

Did you ever wonder how I got so smart? It was not from dog school, I can tell you that. My dog school days came and went without so much as a foil star, let alone a diploma.

The headmistress of my school was called Ronnie, like Ronnie Reagan, only she supposedly was a girl. For money she raised Rottweilers on the side. They are big. I think her Rottweilers were mean, too, and I do not blame them.

Every week we drove to school and took along little hot dog pieces as rewards in case I did everything Rap Master Ronnie demanded. The dog who had his lesson right before me ate Tofu hotdogs - no, I am not kidding. His person blabbed on and on about how healthy she was about everything, including prejudicing her canine companion and loyal friend for life against true, honest American hotdogs. Don't liberals have anything better to do? I guess not.

Anyway, Ronnie the "girl" dog trainer did not like me because I was willful. So what? Do any of her dumb Rottweilers have a blog? Can they even fetch the newspaper? I think not.

On what turned out to be my last day at dog school, after weeks of "Sit", "Stay", "Settle", "Now", "No speak" (This is making me sick), I could not take any more of it, so I "had an accident" in class. That is one of the quickest ways to get your point across I have discovered.

Ronnie came unglued and yelled at management that obviously I had to "go" really bad, and so we never went back.

My Valedictory speech to Ronnie's Dog School in Wayne, Illinois is this: "No speak!!"

That is so satisfying.

My newest endorsement

2006-09-04T17:54:00.000-07:00

I have not done a food column in a while. That is because I have been negotiating with various companies who naturally want a big star like me to say that they eat their product all the time, even if someone isn't paying them to say it. I thought it over and decided that pizza is just about the best food there is next to M&M's. I will see if this is enough to shake the old Pizza Hut money tree. I am sure that you want to go out right now and buy some Pizza Hut pizza just because you saw my column and pictures, proof that I really do eat Pizza Hut pizza. What more could they want?

Yadoo this ain't

2006-08-31T17:14:00.000-07:00

We are living like the box car children. Only we have a Nissan Infiniti. But still.

My water dish, bowl and bag of Nutro Natural Choice Dental Care dog food are on the front seat floor. My water is in a plastic jug here on the back seat. There is a lawn chair, laundry soap and management's cosmetics clogging my space. Today I ate lunch at the beach parking lot. "Pretend you are a pioneer, " says the Boss. I say pretend you are in a nut house.

Ever since her class reunion she has been acting like a flaky artist because some people told her she should write a book. She used to be a big deal. Boring. Where is Joan Crawford? Oh, yeah. Dead.

I would say fine to her airs if she would write a book about a kid with glasses who is a wizzard and who goes to a school named Snaggledorf or Smithereens. For someone who wrote to the Famous Writer's School when she was 15, she has not learned a lot about the publishing business. She could make a mint writing junky suspense novels. But, no.

Tonight we had dinner in the car a la Boheme - salami, ham, olives, a sourdough roll and Amish cheese. Amish people do not drive cars, but I suppose it is OK to eat their cheese while you are sitting in one.

This picture is me in the back seat. For a while I was worried that management intended to hog all the food for herself, but I should have known. She is a liberal. She shares.

Religion news

2006-08-25T05:34:00.000-07:00

It is important for bloggers, even small time pretenders like Management and especially for blog stars like me, to post something every day, so your readers do not get annoyed when they check your website and do not see any new news. The liberals are so busy lying about Barney’s father and the War on Terror that we loyal conservatives have all we can do just to keep up.

Some liberals call it the War on Terra. Terra is Latin. It means Earth. What do they want? A mushroom cloud in their back yard? We have mushrooms in our new house where it rained inside. That is because Management hired a dope to do some work. I have had enough of mushrooms, so I do not want a mushroom cloud. Mushrooms are like lettuce. You cannot even eat them with cheese. They are that bad.

My news for today concerns a guy at the parking lot where the Boss and I were having lunch yesterday. It is at one of my beaches, but the park rangers were there, and they put a false sign up saying “No Dogs Allowed”, so we stayed in the parking lot until they left. I am going to call Barney himself about this, if I have to. It is more liberal worry-warting about dogs that bite or do not know how to use the restroom. They call it Public Health. That is where our taxes go. For liberal signs and stripping good Americans of their rights. Who barks more on the Fourth of July? Tell me that. Loyal canine Americans. That’s who.

OK. The guy was in a van, and he was talking on the phone, and he said that someone went to hell and saw it first hand and there were “two legs” of it and pits and fire. Also he said that a woman was trying to crawl out of a pit and she almost made it out but a demon came along and pushed her back in and a guy named Jesus was crying - he is a good guy but he was just showing this person around hell, I guess - anyway, Jesus was crying, because his brothers and sisters were in hell and he could not get them out.

Why didn’t he get a fire extinguisher? Possibly he could have called the fire department. He is supposed to be able to do miracles and things like that, too.

I wonder if he does roofs. He was a carpenter. Well, anyway, this guy did not know if this story about hell was true or a lie by the devil to throw him off because he said that everything about hell was already in the Bible, and “Can’t nobody add nothing to it.”

We just ate our chicken, and I took a nap. Hell is being where you can’t go onto your own darned beach because of sissy liberals. And getting your nails trimmed. And cats sleeping on the bed where you used to sleep before you got arthritis.

Biding my sweet time

2006-08-23T17:18:00.000-07:00

I am not at the dog hotel yet. That is fine with me. They act real happy and everything when the check book comes out, but they are rude when you do not "go outside" when they want and other dumb ideas. I am not a rule follower. I am accustomed to going outside whenever I feel like it, and I do not appreciate their rigid schedule. Also, I might feel like sitting down in the middle of the dog run, because I do not feel like running. What is wrong with that? It's not like I am "going outside" on their rug or something.

Today I sat in the car while management went to her lawyer's office. Later we parked somewhere else, and the Boss got my air mattress out of the trunk, because I do not like to step on the bare street, and there is a cushion in case I cannot get out of our very small back seat unless she pushes me, which is her fault because she will not buy a bigger car with a hydraulic lift for yours truly.

Anyway, we walked to our caffe with the two f's, and she had tea, and everyone was looking at me and saying, "Look at the cute dog." "What is wrong with his leg?" "Hello, cutie." They were not talking to management, either.

Some Polish people were sitting there talking Polish, but they said, "Navy Pier" in English. Maybe it was Russian. Anyway, they better not be spies, because I have had enough of these liberal loudmouths telling on Barney's father when he was listening in on their phone calls. I do not know if Barney's father knows Polish, but he was a cheerleader in college, so he did not have time to study or go to class. I think everyone who does not speak English should just leave.

I had a bite of a cheese croissant and pretended that it was so-so. It was excellent, really, but big stars like me cannot act too like we are cool with everything.

1 bdrm dogs OK

2006-08-19T14:46:00.000-07:00

Once again I write to you on probation from the dog hotel.

Management has it in her head that she needs to be away all the time looking for an apartment for us. I do not know if she can be trusted to find one that is suitable for a star of my rank. Also I want two bowls like always and a big rug by the side of the bed and no cats.

So next week I have to go back to the hotel where for a bonus they give you a half-price bath. The last time we went through this little charade I decided to sit like Gandhi or something and the bath clerk told management that I was “good” and just sat there. Well, duh. I pretend that I am at the Beverly Wilshire or the Regency or the Four Seasons where you do not have to even breathe if you do not feel like it. They have really good petit fours at the Ritz Carlton. At the Animal Care Center they have Science Diet treats for small dogs. Are you getting the picture?

The Boss is really upset about something and I hope she does not forget to close the car door when she drives some place like she did last week. Unless she has another way for me to get home from the joint, I think she better get a grip.

Wally Worm comes to our garden

2006-08-11T04:09:00.000-07:00

The next time you hear a liberal say you should not use chemicals and that when bugs and snakes get in your house you should just go out and buy them a house of their own, do not believe them.

This is what happens when you try to be natural: great big green worms get on the tomato plants.

Little wasps were supposed to lay eggs on the worms, and then the worms were supposed to die. First of all, we do not have any little wasps. Management says it is because the dumb bipeds – she called them something else – cut out the habitat when they sawed down the bushes she wanted to keep.

It is funny that she wanted to save a bush, because she does not like anyone named Bush. They are all in something called the Carlyle Group. It is a lot of old rich guys. One of them is a director of a great big company that makes drugs and chemicals. If certain people do not like worms in the garden, they better stop saying bad things about Barney’s father. He will just call his friends, and they will not give you any chemicals, even if you say you will pay them a million dollars when the wasps move or go on strike.

That’s life in the food chain. Get used to it.

Paparazzi pickle

2006-08-07T11:03:00.000-07:00

When you are famous everyone wants a piece of you.

There I was, waiting for management to do whatever it is she does.

“OK, Artie, let’s go.” Then she remembers to write 10 checks or clean the bathroom. In this case she was picking up plastic fasteners that careless bipeds threw on the ground at the Ironman contest they had at one of my beaches this weekend.

Along comes a stringer photographer. He must have been following us. Miss You-Know-Who has her head in the clouds a lot of the time. She does not know if someone is following us. She worries about the birds. She worries about the cats. She worries about the tomato plant and whether the braconid wasps will lay their eggs on the tomato horn worms, or if she should take out the Queen Anne’s Lace, since the reason she lets it grow is so the broconid wasps will come there to live. If they are just ripping us off and living on our Queen Anne’s Lace and do not kill the horn worms, then I say evict them.

Back to my story. I was catching a few winks. Big deal. If you see this picture in the junky newspapers in the supermarket checkout line and the headline says, “Blogging dog is a fake!”, your inquiring mind can move on to something else, because you will already know the story behind the story.

True Corgi

2006-08-05T14:13:00.000-07:00

My production assistant forgot to charge the battery, and we did not have time to edit this photo before the computer crashed, and we had to drive to the library real fast before it closed.

My pen has been silent for the past week, because, as I told you before, the Boss went to a "retreat" whatever that is. It is liberal, you can bet. They probably sat around all day petting cats and thinking of ways to try to make the rest of us feel guilty. I do not feel guilty. Especially after my incarceration at the Nickerson Animal Care Center "hotel", which is code for "the slammer". That is not the topic of today's column, though. I wil have to unpack that and probably see my psychiatrist first.

Today I wish to share some candids my photographer took when we were having breakfast yesterday at this cafe she always goes to get coffee. We had to sit outside because I am a dog. They spell it caffe. They put the extra 'f' in there so they can charge you 4.95 for scrambled eggs. That is where our money goes. To make matters worse, she stopped taking cream in her coffee about 10 years ago, and she never used sugar, because she is a liberal. Iced caramel frappucino from Starbucks is very excellent. Why don't we go there? Why? Because it is not a local business, and Starbucks is a big, giant corporation that takes advantage of brown people or something, I suppose.

When we drove up there was already a dog there. Then a massive white dog - or was it a bear? - named Dolly sat next to us. I thought she was OK, but then she started to growl when I was sniffing her. I mean, she was 15 times bigger that I am. Being the fearless journalist that I am, I was, quite naturally, trying to get the who, what, when, where, why and how of Dolly Dog. She was a snob and a - well, I will not swear, because of my family values. (Bitch.)

Several bipeds stopped at our table: "Ooo, look at the cute dog." "He is so sweet." "He is a true Corgi."

We bagged three new fan club members. That is the good news. The bad news is that I am sick and tired of these country bumpkins who say things like, "That is a true Corgi." Have you ever heard of a false Corgi? I am a famous blog artist, and I still have to put up with all these dumb comments.

Swimming with the sharks

2006-07-28T09:08:00.000-07:00

As promised I am going to share my leisure class lifestyle with all of you. Even though I am a working breed, hot summer is referred to by the humans a "the dog days". I cannot fight the system. This is not sharing in the liberal sense, but bragging/sharing, which is a conservative strong point. "I've got my summer vacation at a private beach, and you do not." That is what I mean by sharing. Up yours. I am better than you.

Miss Worry Wart Manager snapped this candid pic of yours truly enjoying a dip in the waves. The beach is very big, and it takes a long time for me to walk to the water. Also, it was hot. I was having fun.

Then the kill joy says, "I think the lake is too warm. We haven't had that many days of 90 plus temperatures."

"This porridge is too hot. This porridge is too cold." I would call her Goldilocks, except she dyes her hair red. I think it is called auburn. I know all her secrets.

This is just like all the liberals. They want to spoil your fun.

I will be going back for the carp roll next week. We put the windows down instead of turning on the A/C anyway. Cheap. So what if she thinks I smell.

Eat your heart out

2006-07-26T17:16:00.000-07:00

As everyone who is anyone knows, August is when the right people and dogs summer at the shore. I own a couple of beaches by a very big lake. No one gets onto one of my beaches unless they have permission. I do not care who they are. This goes for birds, too.

Once management gets going on our house we are fixing up, then we can go to survey my property every day. She had to hire a roofer, and she is going to hire a tree remover. Just so they don’t mess with my porch. They do not want her around giving out orders, but she is a control freak. That is why she has to go to the lake every day. Otherwise the workers might beat her up. I have enough problems without her limping around.

One of my favorite sights at the beach is dead carp. If they smell bad enough, then you can roll in them. It is fun. All of your friends will know that you have been to the beach – and they have not. It is a snob thing.

Happy Birthday to Miss Manager

2006-07-22T08:44:00.000-07:00

Me. They were out of Snickers bars.

I would have posted this on time, but they do not let dogs into Panera Bread which is where the Boss takes the laptop, so I had to hitch a ride to the library where they think I am a dwarf, so I could take care of some busimess and pause to wish you-know-who a belated 7 and 4/7 (53 divided by 7) birthday.

She has been crabby lately, which is her sign anyway, so I guess we shouldn't be surprised. Crab, crab, crab. "Do you want to go for a ride in the car or not?" "Arthur, get over here. Stop eating the cat food." "Come on, dammit. I'm in a hurry."

Personally I think she should go on a long vacation with me along, of course. I want a bigger car, though. No Clarence or his stupid cat carrier. A/C on full blast. She won't buy a new car, though. She is too cheap.

I suppose I could link to her pathetic little blog as a birthday present. Send some traffic her way. I will have to think about it.

Welfare revisited

2006-07-18T07:19:00.000-07:00

They say it is not polite to say, “I told you so.”

But I am a conservative, so I do not care about being polite. It is not in my value system. I do not have any values. I am supposed to say that I have family values, though. It is in the Conservatives Handbook. If you talk about your family a lot, no one will notice that you are stealing their wallet or throwing them out of their house.

I knew that adopting an immigrant cat was a bad move. The cash flows out the door with no return on the investment. It depletes resources. It drains my patience. And, after all, who is the blog star in this little group?

We bought a brand new lap top one week before I snapped this incriminating picture of Clarence sitting on the coffee table in our super luxury “suite” at Ray’s Motel. He is watching a DVD while sitting in front of the fan. I am so glad we spent hundreds of dollars so that Clarence could have better entertainment. I am so thrilled.

If you listen to Rush Limbaugh you know that he talks about lazy do-nothings. I have listened to Rush one or two times. That is all it takes. You learn everything he has to say. Then you can go around repeating it to your friends and in the grocery store line, and you can get a bumper sticker that says, “Dittohead”.

This is a “nice” cat? How about a shiftless cat? A negative net value cat?

Clarence had his “tassels” trimmed yesterday. You know what that means. Now we have an expensive eunuch. Way to go, Miss Manager! Maybe we should buy some more Lucent Technologies stock next.

Arthur to Dr. DVM: Chill

2006-07-16T14:02:00.000-07:00

I haven't written a food column lately. Well, unless you count my column on mega M&M's, which was a life style editorial about middle aged bipeds who think that 55% bigger beige M&M's will make them cool again. As if.

Today I am going to blog about my new diet. My vet says I have allergies, so he gave management a piece of paper that says I have to eat boiled chicken and rice. I love Chinese takeout, which always has rice. Fried chicken is excellent, but I do not know about this boiled chicken business. At least he did not say I was too fat.

I think he gave her the piece of paper, because the bill was very expensive, and he wanted her to think that she was getting her money's worth. Also, even though he did not realize that I am a famous blog artist, he could see that I am a pedigree dog with a special certificate from my breeder in Sycamore. It costs more to keep us. Face it.

Poor management is still complaining about her wrist. I think she should marry the hot dog salesman and get in on his insurance and quit talking about her aches and pains. Why she can't figure this out is beyond me.

You cannot have hot dogs on my bland diet. Hot dogs can be bland if you do not put peppers and onions on them. I think this vet was over reacting. I am allergic to cats. Not steak. Cats.

He said that Clarence was a nice cat. "That's a nice cat." Then management was all talkative about how he purrs all the time and knows his name. People spend time discussing whether some idiot cat knows his name or not. That makes him "nice"?

I think this vet knows about as much about diets as he knows about the real Clarence.

Zero.

One night cheap motel

2006-07-10T11:09:00.000-07:00

God.

This is where we are staying. It says that the rooms are "clean and affordable". Plus you get a warm refrigerator, Harley guys racing through the parking lot and scent of ashtray for aroma therapy. This is supposed to be better than Miss Manager dealing with a house. It is proof that she is early Alzheimer's, I swear.

Right now she is cleaning a Weber grill so that we can have steak on a skewer for supper. There is a short, strange biped out there with her asking if she would like some company "later". I know what that means. He wants some meat.

You should see our car. It looks like the truck that the Beverly Hillbillies drove to Californy. We have the freeloading Clarence with us, his cat carrier, a cooler, my dish and water bowl, of course, clothes and pillows, our new laptop computer, shovels for the garden and my special area rug for receiving fan club members and publishing house editors. Also a suitcase. And shopping bags from a place called T.J. Maxx. (I do not think that you-know-who needs any new clothes, but who ever asks me anything around here?)

She paid for us to stay here for one week. Why nor just move in permanently? We could meet every humanoid weirdo that way, not just one weekend's worth. The prime example referred to above said, "What kind of a dog is that?" See what I mean? Jethro Clampet all the way.

What kind of a dog is that? I will tell him. He probably has flames tattooed to his ankles like he is on fire or something. I will herd him into the lake to put out the flames. Ha ha. I bet you that he does not even know what a blog is, let alone a blogging dog. Why are we here? Anyone?

People come to Ray's in the summer because it is by the lake, and they think that they will get to wade and splash, but they do not tell you where it says that the rooms are "clean and affordable" that the beach is all eroded and the only way you can get to the lake is if you jump off a cliff. That is false and misleading.

Maybe I can open up a suntan lotion stand.

The doctor is in

2006-06-27T16:55:00.000-07:00

Someone probably should take the camera phone away from a certain bi-ped. I am so glad I was not with her when she took this picture in the grocery store line. It is almost as bad as when she sings along with the movie soundtrack. Once in a while we go to the drive-in movies. Other cars throw their popcorn tubs and Coke cups at our car. She does not care.

Still, this is an important story not covered by the TV and regular newspapers. Laura is Barney Bush's mother, his human mother, anyway. Somebody named Condi is wrecking Barney's home.

I do not think that Barney reads my blog, probably because I live with a cuckoo liberal who writes her own blog about Karl Marx, who said, "Workers of the world, unite!" Maybe he did not say that, but that is what he meant. If she would just shut up and say things like, "I heart W." I bet Barney would start reading The Long and Short of It. Then he could get some help.

See how selfish these liberals are?

My Centennial

2006-06-24T12:43:00.000-07:00

Not to milk my birthday or anything, but I turned 100 years old yesterday. If my driver hadn't been sweating over boxes of papers and driving to our storage unit all day, she might have had time to drive me to the library where, as you know, I have been posting my stimulating blog posts and issuing my newsletter to members of my fan club (only $9.95 per year, $29.95 for a deluxe membership, which includes personal visits to eat steak at your house.)

Well, anyway, our biped friend Jim figured the exact date because he is very smart in math. I am a literary figure, and I know when I am being shortchanged, but the finer points of x and y I pay my staff to figure out.

One hundred is in dog years. In human years I am 14 1/4. You do not get presents or a party for 14 1/4.

My Jubilee celebration is going to be this summer. Play your cards right, I will send you an invitation.

How do you like my cool portrait?

Eternal vigilance

2006-06-21T14:10:00.000-07:00

As you can see, I have set up my post at the perimeter of our territory where I can watch for intruders. Also, my dish and water bowl are just out of sight to the left in case I need a snack or a drink. Sometimes the illegals try to get a sip of water out of my bowl. Maybe they are thirsty, but how stupid can you get? (That is a Ralph Lauren towel, by the way. It is very thick. )

More pictures to follow. Agent Arthur signing off.

Closing the Border

2006-06-19T16:59:00.000-07:00

For a celebrity I am a pretty mellow guy.

Just recently I allowed Clarence the cat to rub under my chin, even though I do not like him as a rule. He was quite helpful in the chicken caper, I admit, and being a little slow, he hardly got any for himself, but that's his tough luck. We ruling class elites just use the labor when we need it and then drop you like a hot potato when we do not need you any more. It is that simple.

"Winner take all," is what I always say. I am a conservative, after all.

Which brings me to my topic du jour, squatters and opportunists sneaking under the fence at night to eat and sleep in our deck chairs. What's more, they demand first quality service and food. The boss finally got some sense and bought store brand crunchies on sale. If you are on welfare you do not get to be choosy. And do you know what? They act like they are mad or something.

They can just go ahead and have a protest march up and down our street. Carry signs. Meow slogans at the top of their lungs. We are moving soon anyway.

I am documenting this for a PBS special. We have a new cell phone with a camera. 'Think I am kidding?

Stay tuned.

M&M's lies to us

2006-06-08T09:48:00.000-07:00

The other night management brought home a bag of mega M&Ms. It says, "Bold Colors" right on the bag.

I was thinking, "Gee. Why do we need different M&M colors? The regular ones are fine with me, and besides, management does not eat the brown ones, which is better for me in case the bag spills on the floor. What if the bold M&Ms are all her favorite colors? Where does that leave me?"

Here is what the m&m's website says about them: "Mega M&M'S®, a new version of the iconic color-coated candies, are on average 55 percent bigger in size than original M&M'S® and come in six new hues that appeal to adults: maroon, teal, blue-gray, beige, gold and brown. "

I was worried for nothing.

Since I read the J Jill and J Crew catalogs from time to time to see how the boss is spending our money, I know how to name colors. You do not say 'purple'. You say 'eggplant' or 'wicked witch' or 'iris' or 'queen of the night'. You do not say 'maroon', either. I guess the m&m people have all their taste in their mouth. If they had called me, I would have told them what to name the colors - red ink, hypothermia, bruise, bore me, bug splat and tree stump.

They even talked about this on CNN Money. "M&M's targets adults". I am an adult. I think this is stupid. It is hard being an artist.

Blogging dog kidnapped!!

2006-05-22T16:33:00.000-07:00

That is how I thought management would handle publicizing my recent disappearance which occurred Friday night into Saturday until about 3:30 in the afternoon.

Instead she got all frazzled and emotional and made a dumb sign that said: "DOG MISSING. DEAF. SHORT. TRI-COLOR CORGI. 14 YEARS OLD. REWARD!" and she put it by the road at our house.

My agent and I decided that we needed to loosen Tracey Rosengrave's check-writing muscles, so I staged a publicity stunt, hoping for CNN and everyone else to report on the famous dog blogger, Arthur, who vanished without a trace. Also, Random House might put me under contract when I reappeared to the great joy of all the bipeds who are in my multicultural pack. They would take a picture, and it would get all over the news like that stupid cat who ended up in France.

Here's what happened. After management went to bed, I waited a few minutes, because she is tired from all the rubber scraping and dealing with her relatives, and she sleeps like a rock. Then I went to the gate where the meter readers go in and out - like they really are so anxious to get back to the office to send us a bill, they cannot take the time to close the gate.

I walked out and decided to go as far as I could considering that I am 98 years old and have arthritis. I ended up at a place quite far away, and I laid in their flowers, so I could take a nap. I wanted to be fresh when the photographers showed up.

Karen and Klaus were the bipeds who found me. Karen saw the dumb sign, and went to get you-know-who. She came driving up, and she had my special water dish and cold water and my treats and everything, but no newspapers were there.

Klaus is a Vietnam veteran, so we are going to give some money to the Vietnam Veterans, because Klaus and Karen would not let the boss give them anything. I am a good American, so that is OK with me.

I slept in the car all night.

Back to the drawing board.

Remodeling

2006-05-19T14:06:00.000-07:00

I decided to fight fire with fire.

If you have been following my blog carefully, you already know that the bipeds are fighting over an estate while I wait patiently on the deck. Management is the boss of the estate. She is bossy anyway, so it was a good fit. Today she is getting her perquisites by scraping rubber that was on the back of carpet in the basement. When you are the boss, you get a lot more perquisites than the people who stand around. Also, you get to go to Ace Hardware and Lowe's a lot more and stare at paint samples.

Well, I decided to redecorate. If I have to live on the porch, then I want it to reflect my personality and style. Before, I had a pink cotton blanket and a thin, threadbare mattress pad where I could lounge and catch a few winks. It was OK, but I am not a pink sort of dog, and I could not invite anyone over, because I have an image to protect. I had the decorator replace it with a bold red wool king-sized blanket and a fluffy mattress pad with a premium cotton bath towel in blue on top. Also, I changed my dish and water bowl.

It's a good thing.

Friendless

2006-05-15T15:14:00.000-07:00

We have been driving around a lot this afternoon. Meijer's had my lamb and rice treats on sale for 79 cents a pound, so we had to go there, of course. When my driver was going through the parking lot, a big SUV pulled in front of us, and it had a sticker on it that said "UN is not your Friend".

I had to think for a minute: "Who is UN?"

Then I remembered. It is the United Nations.

I wonder what they did now.

Management was talking to herself about "that jackass George Bush". I think she was referring to Barney's father. As far as I know he is still our friend. He says that we must patrol the border and bomb Iran.

It is hard to make friends when you are bombing them and making them stay on their side of the fence. I am a conservative because I do not worry about things like that.

I hope they do not bomb Iowa instead. I have friends in Iowa. It begins with an 'I' and has only 4 letters in the name. I have heard that George Bush is dyslexic. Oh oh.

Random Walk Theory

2006-05-10T11:54:00.000-07:00

While I am waiting for Tracey Rosengrave to cut my advance, I thought I would get rich another way, at least to tide me over. We investors know all about Modern Portfolio Theory - or MPT as busy people and dogs who do not have enough time to say or write all the words call it.

In MPT there is something called a Random Walk. It means that a stock price does not follow a path, even though you want it to. It does what it wants, and no one can tell what it will do in the future. The only way to know what price a stock price is going to be in the future is to cheat. I tried cheating, but I am a dog, so they caught on right away. Also, I do not know any insiders.

This means you should buy and hold a stock, because you cannot beat the market, because the market will beat you up and then you cannot write a book or blog or anything else. I do not have enough time to hold a stock. I want to get rich quick. I am, after all, a Welsh American. This is what we do in America - get rich quick.

I tried to take a random walk this morning. It is trash day where I live. You-know-who is always busy, so I thought I would just take a stroll.

The Federal Express man turned me in. He never heard of the random walk. Management was gushing all over him. Maybe she wants to marry him. I hope not. I wish she would marry a hot dog salesman or a sheep farmer. She bought Lucent Technologies. This is why we need to find her a husband.

More unemployment statistics

2006-05-04T09:25:00.000-07:00

This is Day #4 of waiting for our Fix-It Team to show up.

Because I am a scrupulously honest blog star, I must report that D&D did a very excellent job for us a couple of weeks ago. This inspired management to hire them to help her some more. I am worried that their A+ performance was like Haley's Comet, which appears every 76 years. (I had my assistant look it up.) Also, to continue with my honest reporting, they remembered to put dog food in my dish 2 weeks ago when management was preoccupied, and they filled it up all the way to the top, and even thought I prefer steak and fried chicken to dog food, it was nice of them to help prevent a domestic quarrel and a call to the ASPCA.

Yesterday management called Darrell #1 to see if maybe they could fit some work in between drinking beer and taking naps, and Darrell #1 said he could not come over because he was waiting for a call back from the South Bend police, because his ex-wife's former boyfriend's daughter had burned down his ex-wife's garage on Sunday night, and the police did not do anything, so Darrell #1 was waiting for them to call so he could give them a piece of his mind.

I know this because management was muttering some epithets. She is becoming a misanthrope.

Home Improvement

2006-05-03T08:53:00.000-07:00

You will be interested in hearing this. When you are famous, everyone wants to know what you do when you are not posing for pictures or signing autographs, or in the case of yours truly, writing a blockbuster book which will make him rich as well as famous.

Here is what I do: stay outside on my roofed deck, rain or shine, and wait for the floor guys or the painter or the fix-it duo** to sand or paint or the fix-it twins to say, "We have to be getting on home now, because the phone might ring, and we have to drink a lot of beer just in case."

This has been going for for over two weeks now, and I am pretty sick of it. And just to tee me off even more, a certain biped "lady" bought Spartan Treats for Large Dogs, instead of my Milkbones, which I have blogged about previously. So far today I have eaten three of these over-sized treats for Large Dogs and a left-over corner of a cheese croissant and the last few bites of management's breakfast sandwich from Dunkin' Donuts.

I have blogged about donuts before, too. This staying on the porch routine is interfering with my creative flow. That and our sad sack PC. Sorry, Jimbo, but I am annoyed. Get Gates on the phone.

** D & D (hint: they cannot shoot a bottle rocket straight)

stealth posting from the library

2006-04-24T11:44:00.000-07:00

OK. Quick. Paula the librarian is away from her desk. She is smart, but I am smarter. No time to go over the details. Management took me for a ride in the car, and she had to take books back that were w-a-y overdue. She did not read them. I could have told her that she would not stay awake long enough to read even one page, but I am just a dog, you know. Nobody listens to me.

She went to the Chinese place where they will not let dogs in, but Judy the owner is nice, and she gives management a break from all the hot air she gets from her family. I do not know where my relatives are. That is fine with me. I lucked out. Do not tell you-know-who that I said that. She will start expecting me to act like I owe her something. She is really, really mad at her Borgia family values. Man. I would not want to be them.

Oh, yes. We have a virus or a corrupted file. Also, we had to have the plumber on the same day as our estate sale, and management poured water on the phone, and it does not work, because she stayed up for 39 hours in a row. Also, she is sick of everything except me and a few friends.

I had a chicken breast for breakfast. Ha. So there to the yucky mean people that do not appreciate us. Here comes Paula. Ciao, amigos - - That is Italian and Spanish.

Cleaning our cache

2006-04-11T17:50:00.000-07:00

You probably are wondering what a big blogger and super star personality is doing when they do not show up at the blog for a few weeks.

Well, wait until you hear this.

Management is divorcing her relatives. That is OK with me, except a couple of the dogs are fun, but I am so popular, a couple fewer pals will leave more time to answer my fan mail.

She is doing this sale all by herself. She is selling everything, even my kitchen water bowl, but we have a spare one. She already put my food dish in the dishwasher and then in a box. She will not tell anyone that I was using it, but if you ask me, she would get more money for it if she would spill the beans. That is called the provenance when you tell who ate out of the bowl. Doesn’t she watch the Antiques Roadshow?

Mother, please, I'd rather do it myself

2006-03-23T17:39:00.000-08:00

Things have been tense around here lately. The biped boss** is frantic over too much work. I say, “Let the servants do everything,” but she insists on doing everything herself. Not that she couldn’t stand to lose a few pounds, but you did not hear that from me, either. Well, OK, as long as there is food in my dish at the appointed hour and fresh water in my two bowls. I have one in the kitchen and the bathroom, which is by management’s bedroom where I stand guard at night. Actually, I used to stand guard. Now I sleep and do not hear the raccoon on the roof. Some people think that I am hard of hearing. That is not true. Unless it is something I want to hear, I see no reason to follow biped orders or respond to silly ideas. “Want to go outside?” when it is raining. Get real.

**(I am the imperial Corgi, master of everything, unless you-know-who has a bee in her bonnet. Then I do the subordinate pooch number. Ridiculous.)

Shrinkage

2006-03-22T04:23:00.000-08:00

This is really funny.

Management bought a Sara Lee pound cake on sale on Saturday. On Saturday night after she was asleep, one of the homeless cats we take care of for Animal Aid jumped up on the counter and knocked it off. When you pick through garbage cans you get to know good scents like pound cake. I would not admit this to anyone, but this cat really has the knack, if you know what I mean. Usually the boss puts stuff away, but she was tired and had the flu. The dumb cat did not care.

Well, anyway, yesterday management was looking and looking for the cake all over the place. She even looked in the freezer.

It was excellent, although I wish there had been some whipped cream and chocolate sauce to go with it.

Domestic surveillance

2006-03-19T09:36:00.000-08:00

Management received a questionnaire from her good friend Mary Philomena W. (to preserve her anonymity). These are some of the questions. I put in my answers.

8. What is your favorite cuisine? American, of course
9. What foods do you dislike? Tofu, dog food
10. Your favorite potato? Cheese fries
12. What kind of car do you drive? I ride in a Mercedes with my driver – well, I will when my significant book advance comes in.
28. Do you have pets? Yes. 1 human
29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with everyone? Read my blog every day, and you’ll see.
30. What did you want to be when you were younger? A German Shepherd
43. Croutons or bacon bits? Bacon bits
45. Favorite restaurant? Demon Dogs
49. Favorite fast food restaurant? McDonald’s

Here are some questions I would like to ask :

How much money do you make?

Have you ever been rejected by a snooty club? Which one(s)?

Do you believe in extra terrestrials? Do you know any? If yes, do you think they would write a guest column for my blog?

You do not need Pew or Gallop or Newsweek to find out what is going on. Everyone lies to them, anyway.

Note to M. Philomena if you are out there: go read this story about a frog tea party at Elaine's new blog.

St. Patrick did not have a cat

2006-03-17T10:26:00.000-08:00

Carrie Hawks, artist EBSQ Art

By now everyone knows that I am a Welsh American. It says so in my profile. It is a true fact.

Management is Irish. She is Welsh, too, but that did not stop her from being a liberal. I have a pedigree, but she is a “mix”, a multi-ethnic Anglo. It is a nice way of saying “mutt”, but you did not hear that from me. Anglos do not have any of their own hot sauces or anything. How can you be ethnic without a hot sauce?

You should see the stuff she gets in her email. EBSQ Art of the Day is one. There were some Corgis a while back. That was interesting. But yesterday was Clancy O’Catty, the St. Patrick’s Day Cat. I just had to show you. Not one of the cats around here knows it is St. Patrick’s Day. They do not even know it is Friday or March or 2006. I think the internet is getting crowded with liberal propaganda. I have rights, too. Where’s my picture – Arthur O’Corgi?

Birthday girl

2006-03-16T04:52:00.000-08:00

A little bird told me that ~~today~~ tomorrow is Akamaru’s birthday. She is a lot younger than I am, so there are people out there who will say I am a dirty old man or something. Go ahead and gossip if it makes you feel better. I have better things to do. ( She is probably running about the farm managing the property while Elaine has a tech attack.) Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. From, Arthur

Sing a song of sixpence

2006-03-16T04:38:00.000-08:00

It pays to have readers who know math. Being the CEO of this enterprise, Arthur Corgi Productions, I do not have to know everything. I can hire talent. And, because I am famous and popular, I get a lot of free ideas from my biped readers who want to be in the same social set as me.

Yesterday, a faithful reader sent me an email about Pie Day. Well, it is Pi Day, but I am only interested in Pie. Pi is something to do with a circle. As I said, I can hire brains. I am the boss. “Do this! Do that!”

Well, anyway, Pi is 3.14. In dog school we touched on this concept briefly, because dogs turn around and around in a circle before they take a nap. I do not have to do this, of course, unless I want to, because I do not live in the weeds like the poor dogs. I have carpet or throw rugs. And my car has leather interior with a cotton blanket on top.

Back to Pi. Get it? 3.14. 3/14. 3 is for March. March 14th. March 14th is Pie Day.

I noticed some cherry More Fruit on the shelf. I would prefer apple or chocolate crème. It is a little late to be telling you about this, but write it down for next year. Maybe you should practice making pies, just in case, and then send me some samples.

98 candles is a lot

2006-03-12T06:13:00.000-08:00

While we wait for management’s coffee to kick in, I would like to take this opportunity to wish myself a Happy Birthday. In between naps today we are going to the beach for a walk. Then maybe we will go to the Taco Bell drive-thru, which is not as good as a drive-in, but when unevolved humans are in charge of everything, this is as good as it gets.

I was hoping for chicken McNuggets, but we never go to McDonald’s. Then again, we might go to Popeye’s chicken. When I was a younger dog, I lived with management’s father, so he would not get lonely. He used to take me everywhere, and he did not care about diets or healthy choices. (Have you ever tried to eat a Healthy Choice TV dinner? The plastic tray tastes better, and I ought to know.) Once he handed management a twenty – I was there and witnessed this – and told her to go get him a two piece dinner with dirty rice at Popeye’s and to be sure to get something for Artie. (That’s what he called me.) He was serious, too.

Oh, God, is she making another pot of coffee? All my life I wait, wait, wait to go for a nice walk or a ride in the car or to the beach. You’d think she would hurry it up a little on my birthday. Maybe Dairy Queen is open. I’d better go to mapquest now, since we have so much ground to cover.

Everyone act surprised

2006-03-11T14:04:00.000-08:00

UPDATE: It looks like the party is a go. I have to get a bath, so I am pretending that I do not want to get one like usual, so she doesn’t know that I am onto the surprise party. I noticed M&M’s and other treats in the groceries. This will shock you. The M&M’s package used to be 16 ounces for $2.99. Now it is 14 ounces for $2.99. Everyone knows that 16 ounces is a pound, or lb. That is very sneaky if you ask me.

Friday bird blog*

2006-03-10T07:14:00.000-08:00

*You’re probably thinking, “Why is Arthur blogging about birds on Friday when that is management’s thing?” Well, here’s why, and this is pretty serious. We have had a coupon for $12.00 off on a Butterball® turkey or other fine Butterball® product for a long time. As far as I know we do not have a turkey in the freezer. I am very concerned.

Really alert and observant readers of my past guest columns on management’s blog will remember that the traditional dinner for my birthday is turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, broccoli, a salad with cucumber in it and a cake, usually banana and sometimes chocolate. Ahem, as Elaine always says on her blog, uh, my birthday is Sunday, two days from now. And everyone knows that you have to take a turkey out of the freezer at least two days before you bake it, so it can thaw.

This can mean only two things, maybe three: 1.) She has forgotten my birthday. 2.) She remembers my birthday, but is not planning a party or anything. 3.) We are going out to dinner. But there aren’t any drive-ins open in March in the great white north. Restaurants where you walk inside and sit down do not allow dogs, which is discrimination, but I am too upset to call my lawyer right now.

And I am going to be 14, which is 98 in human years. Life is a bitter pill.

Little people

2006-03-07T18:47:00.000-08:00

Experts say not to get a dog until the biped offspring are in school. Like this is big news. Once again people could save a lot of time and money if they would just listen to me instead of hiring experts and PhD’s and consultants. Biped offspring require too much attention. It isn’t fair to the dog. You do not need a PhD to figure that out.

I was a puppy once. I had to sleep in a cage – management called it the slammer – in the basement all by myself until I was “trained”. Can you imagine what they would do if a biped baby had to sleep in the basement with the light out? Management loved me more than anyone else. That is why I chose her to wait on me and take me for walks. I used to pout when she would go away and would not eat my food, even when a cat walked too close to my dish.

We got to know some school age bipeds in our old neighborhood. They played stick, Frisbee and ball with me. We had a lot of fun. Then they got evicted from their house. Management tried to stop it. JJ came back and brought her flowers from an abandoned lot, so she would not forget him, he said. They moved away. I missed them.

None dare call it junk

2006-03-03T19:57:00.000-08:00

I may have mentioned Hostess powdered sugar Donettes® in a previous column, but management had a coupon, so she bought some more. They are delicious, and, I don’t care what you say, nutritious. Tender, sweet and filling. And for 2 for $4.00 with a 40 cents off coupon, a great value.

When you are writing ad copy, you do not have to use complete sentences with a subject and a predicate. And experienced bloggers can do that, too, because everybody knows that they would use a complete sentence, but they are too busy and clever to bother. To top it off, yours truly is a dog. The rules positively fly out the window when you consider that.

Back to my Hostess Donettes®. You can buy them on amazon.com. If you like to read books in bed (like management, for example), you can eat donuts, too, all from amazon.com.

I think this is part of the services economy. “Amazon.com - Purveyors of fine donuts and books” “Order your Hostess powdered sugar Donettes® from Amazon and pay only a 35% premium over the most expensive grocery store in America. Get yours today!”

Time for my evening constitutional and then another tasty Hostess Donette® before I hit the hay.

Dydd Gwyl Ddewi

2006-03-01T04:41:00.000-08:00

Careful readers of my blog and fan club members will have noted that I am a Welsh Corgi. Not just any Corgi, but a Welsh Corgi. We did not come to the United States, land of the free and home of the brave, until 1937. I suppose that there are liberal Corgis, like there are liberal poodles or liberal Collies, but good, old cloth coat Conservative Corgis like me are true Americans, just as good as the DAR, which management is in, but she never goes to any meetings. What kind of a club is that? I tried to get into the Pembroke Welsh Corgi Club, but they only admit bipeds. If that isn’t prejudice, I don’t know what is.

Well, today is St. David’s Day. That is what the words say in the title to this blog entry. I did not learn Welsh in dog school, but it was multi-lingual, anyway. We had Rottweilers, Shar-Peis, Schnauzers and me, of course. I must blog more about dog school to free up my memories for my blockbuster autobiography.

St. David is the patron saint of Wales, and in Wales the humans wear a leek in their lapel. Or the girls wear a daffodil. Only on St. David’s Day. It would be pretty weird to be wearing leeks any other day. Whatever floats your boat.

In Wales they have museums about slate and wool. They know how to do things in Wales besides sue each other and invest. But I am an American, a Welsh American, and we have a services economy. That is why I have a biped to wait on me.

Economics for Dummies

2006-02-25T14:37:00.000-08:00

I would like to talk today about inflation. My Milk-Bone dog biscuits for Medium dogs 20-50 pounds, 26 oz. net wt., quality since 1908 have gone up to $3.19 from $2.99, and they were $2.79 just a few months ago. I remember, because I was doing a financial plan at the time.

Even though I didn’t learn arithmetic in dog school – that came later – do the math. .4/2.79 is 0.14336917562724014336917562724014. Does Alan Greenspan know about this? They are trying to tell us that there is no inflation. Milk-Bone dog biscuits for Medium dogs have gone up 14%, and they still haven’t figured out how to not break them, because I do not like a partial treat. So there is none of that business about higher quality dog biscuits to explain this price gouging.

Management is going to have to cut back on foolish expenditures like Northland Cranberry juice, which is $4.39 and salad. We had pizza last night, and she ordered a salad. How will we afford M&M’s, if she keeps buying useless junk like lettuce? Barney Bush’s family might be able to afford lettuce and M&M’s, but we aren’t rich. Yet.

They say it's your birthday!!!!!

2006-02-19T14:32:00.000-08:00

Pretty soon I am going to be 14. Be sure to remember, because I like presents. But today is my biped friend Jim’s birthday. Jim C. - to preserve his anonymity. He likes lots of salt on his popcorn and extra butter. And he likes hot dogs only sometimes he gets nachos and the peppers are hot, and I like cheese and everything, but I say hold the peppers. He keeps saying he will take me to Demon Dogs on Fullerton. Maybe he should take me to Ruth Chris’ because I like steak, too. He could get a T-bone and then let me have the bone, but I like a New York strip, because I am sophisticated.

&Hearts

2006-02-14T04:53:00.000-08:00

for Akamaru
Valentine’s Day. Huh.
The bipeds hoard their stash of
candy. Rebellion.

More hassle from The Man

2006-02-12T05:51:00.000-08:00

Two nights ago Clarence the stupid cat got into his catnip and spilled it all out on the rug. It was in a cabinet, and management was sorting through the other stuff in it and forgot to close the door. It’s bad enough that I have to live with welfare ragamuffins. Then they get drunk and disorderly. The only good thing is that management won’t vacuum the rug, because the catnip was $5.00, and she is too cheap to buy more. I hate the vacuum cleaner, but the alley dwellers hate it more.

Then yesterday a certain someone popped for $1.17 worth of dog biscuits from the bulk section. They were on sale for 79 cents a pound. Tax is 6% on “non-food” items. The government says my dog biscuits are not food. This is clearly discrimination, and I will consider suing them. If cheese puffs, which are excellent but mostly air, are “food”, then dog biscuits for when I don’t feel like eating healthy weight formula Nutro and there isn’t any cold pizza or anything good in the refrigerator, are definitely food. The government better think again.

I Scooped the NYT!

2006-02-08T19:33:00.000-08:00

We stopped reading the New York Times, because they do not tell us what is going on, and they will not print my letters to the editor, even though I am just about the smartest Corgi there is.

They did not tell us that the government was pulling a fast one by spying on us when we were talking on the phone. What if I called my relatives in Wales? What if I told them about the cherry bombs the stupid neighbors exploded? Would I get on a list? I am already on the No Fly List. I think this government needs a long time out in the corner. And the New York Times can go in the other corner.

Well, anyway, the headline in this editor’s mailbox today said that low fat does not make you healthy. Yesterday I already told you that spread is dumb. You do not need the New York Times. Just come to my blog every day.

We're back

2006-02-07T12:12:00.000-08:00

While Blogger was on strike, management made some bread and banana bread. I do not like to run out of bread, because you can have toast only if you have bread. Toast is an excellent snack. Toasted banana bread is good, but I personally prefer plain toast with lots of real butter, not "spread". Spread is dumb. If you have banana bread it means you bought too many bananas or you are too cheap to buy bananas that aren't rotten, bottom line. Your food tells a lot about you. People are watching.

2006-02-02T18:42:00.000-08:00

From our in box ...

comes a letter from a fan club member asking for advice on choosing a bi-ped.

When I was a puppy the humans would do things like look in my ears and turn me over on my back to see if I would argue. Humans think that if you show spirit, you are willful and will not do well in dog school. It is important for their egos to have an honor roll canine so they can brag to their friends. If they are horse people - or show dog people, who are the worst! – double that.

When choosing a bi-ped look for quality, but not too much quality. A bi-ped who knows which wine to serve with orange roughy is fine, but if he or she doesn’t remember to buy the M&M’s, or doesn’t leave the popcorn bowl on the floor by the TV or share their Nutty Buddy or Dove Bar with you, what is the point? You are the best friend, remember, not the boss or the minister or the snooty relative.

You will want a bi-ped who lets you break the rules whenever possible. These rules are no table food, no chocolate, no Herkimer County cheese, no Mason’s Dots left over from the movie, no pizza, no walks without your human, no sleeping on the bed, no rolling in dead fish at the beach.

It is best to choose a human with a car, preferably a convertible for the summer and a very big credit line on their gas card, so you can go out every day. Make sure that they are not too neat about their car or fussy, because if you don’t have sand on you, how will your friends know you have been to the beach?

We can explore this important topic in another column, because there is too much to remember, and I think the raccoon is on the back porch, and I have to go bark and annoy the stupid neighbors.

Culture of Life News Comix: Fluff Interviews Arthur About Chinese Year of the Dog

2006-01-31T19:55:00.000-08:00

Culture of Life News Comix: Fluff Interviews Arthur About Chinese Year of the Dog

4703

2006-01-31T19:52:00.000-08:00

You may have noticed that I haven’t been blogging for a few days. Ever since my interview with Akamaru and Fluff Supkis, my blackberry has been exploding, and I have had to turn off the phone. Then a very good biped friend sent me some fascinating material about 4703, The Year of the Dog.

“People born in the Year of the Dog possess the best traits of human nature. They have a deep sense of loyalty, are honest, and inspire other people’s confidence because they know how to keep secrets. But Dog People are somewhat selfish, terribly stubborn, and eccentric. They care little for wealth, yet somehow always seem to have money. They can be cold emotionally and sometimes distant at parties. They can find fault with many things and are noted for their sharp tongues. Dog people make good leaders. They are compatible with those born in the Years of the Horse, Tiger, and Rabbit.”

I will analyze this for you, since most of my readers are humans or a reasonable facsimile. I think it should say, “People born in the year of the dog possess dog traits which are the best traits you can get. They know everything because the bipeds babble on and on in front of them while they are trying to take a nap or think. Dog People are conservatives, so they do not like to share. They will not go outside if it is raining or there is a tornado coming or the mongoloid idiot in back is shooting off firecrackers, and they are sorry about your rug, but that’s just the way it is. They always find someone to buy the best quality dog food and treats even though the other person has to eat noodle ramen for a month. They are natural critics and they have excellent taste. They say what is on their minds. Dog People should be running everything, but they cannot find employees who will work for nothing and love it. They do not like cats.”

We are having a tech problem on this end, because management is in a dither over the government, and she has been hogging the computer. Pretty soon I am going to buy a Mac notebook, and she can just burn up her Windoze system all by herself. We’re already one month into first quarter, and I need to rebalance my portfolio.

Can you draw this dog?

2006-01-24T16:22:00.000-08:00

I almost decided to put down my pen. 'Loser', 'over-the-hill' and 'Surrender, Dorothy' kept playing over and over again in my mind like A Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall. My self-esteem was in the dog house. Did my Muse ditch me for good? Or was she just on vacation?

Then I heard from Tracy Rosengrave of Xlibris Corporation. It was an email addressed to me. It said:

Dear Arthur,

My name is Tracey Rosengrave, Marketing Manager for Xlibris Corporation, a Print-On-Demand Self-Publishing company. We are sending you this email because we have either learned about your passion for writing or we have had the pleasure of coming across some of your work. If you are interested in self-publishing, I’ve included a brief description of who we are below.

Management says this is spam that didn’t get filtered. She wrote to the Famous Writer's School when she was 15, but I am not supposed to tell anyone. A guy named Bennett Cerf wrote back and wanted money. So she might be a little jealous, because I did not have to write to Tracy Rosengrave first. She came to me. Big difference.

I say it’s about time someone noticed my unique contribution to journalism and the American Way of Life. For one thing, there aren’t a lot of dogs that can type. (I said that part about American Way of Life, because it makes me sound serious and concerned in case Tracy thinks I am kidding.)

I knew when I left Sycamore that I would need a skill, so I audited a typing class at the library. Management and I were living where there were a lot of homeless people, and they went to the library to get warm or cool. All they had to do was read a book or take a class, so they could stay. The boss librarian was a Salvation Army general or something in her spare time, so she wanted everyone signed up with Jesus, and I think she thought I was a dwarf. Anyway, no one ever hassled me.

I got an email account with hotmail, then my own domain, GoodDog.com. Friends encouraged me to write a book. And here I am today on Tracy Rosengrave’s mailing list. I wonder if I can afford a chauffeur.

Succession planning

2006-01-21T19:45:00.000-08:00

Every business should have a succession plan. What will happen to my newsletter and blog and memoirs if, as the humans say, something happens to me? I am the brand, like Martha Stewart, except I never say, “It’s a good thing.”

I think about this when I am not thinking about something else. Mainly I think about snacks and chasing joggers and the next topic for my blog. It’s a lot of pressure being famous.

Well, I suppose management could buy another Corgi, but I would not want her to be disappointed, because there could be no Corgi as good as I am. And they probably would not know HTML. I hardly learned anything in dog school. Life has been my teacher. What if she got a silly, dumb air head? I have to think of everything.

Maybe she should get a dog from the pound. I must talk to my lawyer about this.
The guy in the picture is what can happen if you do not have a good succession plan. He is not like Abraham Lincoln either.

Don't tread on me

2006-01-19T21:07:00.000-08:00

There is some very big news from our house. Today the government came to investigate a complaint from the neighbors that we had in excess of the allowable four (4) total animals living here. That includes me. Most bipeds consider me an animal, but readers of this blog and my newsletter and members of my fan club (only $9.95 per year for a basic membership. Join today!) understand the difference between a blogging dog and “animals”.

Management hired a lawyer, because she doesn’t trust the Nazis and crabby old people around here who think that they’ve done everything and she has done nothing. Then she finds out that it’s the deadbeat painter who complained. He wanted to borrow money from us, but management said, “No.” and for once I agree with her. We cannot afford to give out loans to freeloaders. We are feeding enough of them as it is. Then he and his father, who was picked to be on the crew to drop the atom bomb on Japan, called all the rest of the neighbors. I guess when you can’t stay out of jail, you want to try to get everyone else in jail with you.

Well, so I was lying on the floor pretending to be dozing, and the inspector guy who used to be a policeman said he wanted to look in all the rooms. Whoa. Hair cut! Triple doozy smack down. It is not a good idea to cross management on something like this. She is liable to kick your ass, but I am not supposed to swear.

Deal off. Get out. Go away. The guy says, “Well, if you don’t have anything to hide, why are you refusing?” She said something about eminent domain and on what authority and stuff like that. See, he told her he just was going to come over and step inside and that he was allergic to animals anyway and wouldn’t stay. Then he brings a clipboard and makes like a dog show judge.

We think the deadbeat painter is getting back at us. He always is asking me and the stupid cats to come over, and then he says we’re trespassing. He is a big loser.

Poor management has a bad headache, and she wishes that she had moved to San Francisco in the olden days before I was even born. Wouldn’t that have been a shame, because then she wouldn’t have been able to let me adopt her.

Second storey simpleton

2006-01-15T19:56:00.000-08:00

Every night about this time I feel like a nosh. Nosh is a Yiddish word for snack, but I just used snack in a recent entry, and professional columnists and bloggers try to use a lot of different words that mean the same thing. A certain biped will not, repeat not, be happy when she finds out, but she bought some chicken at the store and left it on the counter and one of the fur occupants, not canine, jumped up on the counter and got it down, and I took over from there. (Chump.) Well, I have to go hide behind the bed now. Later, world.

Editorial

2006-01-14T12:06:00.000-08:00

There is one thing that I won’t eat, and that is dog food.

Well, except special dog food that is expensive and a real pain in the neck for management to pick up because the store is only open until 5 o’clock and sometimes they close early because it is a farm supply store and the humans don’t feel like sitting around and waiting for customers, and so the customers can just come back when they are open, so what if they don’t like it.

Well, anyway, I read a horrible story today about poisoned dog food. The corn in it had bacteria. I am allergic to corn products except for the corn syrup in M&Ms and Cheetos are pretty good and popcorn with butter. But I have everyone convinced that I can’t have corn products in my dog food, so they have to go to the special store that is only open when the customers are not there.

Where is the government when you need one? Probably the poor dogs ate this bad poisoned dog food and died. It is sad, even though they did not have a paper or a club membership. I do not like to feel sad, because then it makes me feel like a liberal because they are always upset about problems.

I say, “Just say No” to dog food.

Caution: May cause blindness

2006-01-14T08:28:00.000-08:00

Reuters photo/ Yuriko Nakao

Even though I am not a liberal I believe in canine solidarity. Dogs in Japan have to get dressed up like this to be in a fashion show. I am a proud Welsh American. In Wales and America, dogs have jobs and a life. Japanese bipeds must be pretty weird, that’s all I can say.

Cherchez la Femme

2006-01-12T20:16:00.000-08:00

My fan club asked me to make sure there is always a photographer on hand for official functions like family picnics and walk-abouts on garbage day. Things like that. I had almost forgotten about Reba, who was a girl dog and in love, as you can tell. She was all over me – “forward”, as management would say – and I could not get away from her. This is why I have an unlisted phone number.

Midnight snack attack

2006-01-10T21:18:00.000-08:00

We bought some popcorn from the Boy Scouts. Management was too lazy to cook dinner, so she just made some of the Boy Scout popcorn. She set the bag down, and it spilled. I ate it. Excellent. Way better than air popped pop corn she makes for the birds. But I eat that, too.

A la recherche du temps perdu

2006-01-09T07:46:00.000-08:00

Today I share* an image of myself from a summer picnic in my days of youth. It looks like I am interested in the biped conversation taking place out of view. I do not recall what they were blabbing about. Some biped talk is tolerable: beach, ride, treat, sleepy night night on the bed, nice bone, squirrel, car. Those words have power. Otherwise, it’s enough hot air to solve any energy crisis for the next 500 years.

* Sharing is for liberals, but when the humans say they want to 'share' something, they mostly mean 'spread gossip' or 'show off'. ~Ed.

Eat your heart out, Mark Spitz

2006-01-04T21:02:00.000-08:00

Photo mphoenix

Corgis are naturally cool dogs. This very evolved human named mphoenix takes her Corgis everywhere it looks like. She deserves some major respect.

Royal Schmoyal

2006-01-02T07:40:00.000-08:00

Reuters photo.

These dogs are obviously bored. They could visit me for a few days to loosen up. Right now I am munching on a Hostess powdered sugar Donette. Excellent with a cup of coffee, if an absent minded biped puts hers on the floor.

Anti-cat blog

2005-08-25T11:12:00.000-07:00

Don't believe everything you read.

The Long and Short of It

Email us

I am moving in with Elaine

This is me

You're FIRED

Republican Dogs from Yesteryear

Big fat rip off

So long sushi

Thanksgiving alert: I like dark meat

Cheap Trick

How now, har kow

Hobnobbing

Peter Quince eats risotto

Cheers to a loyal reader!

Arthur of Arabia

Word. Part 2.

The witches of Iowa

Boo!

Word.

I am the greatest star

Sprung from the joint

Busted and disgusted

Parole Denied

Gangstas

Inmate literacy program

Doin' time

Whadaya call them stripes, boy?

Reconnaissance

Dormir

A special treat for you

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Führer

On the scent

Lonesome valley

Jaloux

Fore!

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Corgi at Sunset

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My newest endorsement

Yadoo this ain't

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Wally Worm comes to our garden

Paparazzi pickle

True Corgi

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Eat your heart out

Happy Birthday to Miss Manager

Welfare revisited

Arthur to Dr. DVM: Chill

One night cheap motel

The doctor is in

My Centennial

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Closing the Border

M&M's lies to us

Blogging dog kidnapped!!

Remodeling

Friendless

Random Walk Theory

More unemployment statistics

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more posting on the fly

stealth posting from the library

Cleaning our cache

Mother, please, I'd rather do it myself

Shrinkage

Domestic surveillance

St. Patrick did not have a cat

Birthday girl

Sing a song of sixpence

98 candles is a lot

Everyone act surprised

Friday bird blog*

Little people

None dare call it junk

Dydd Gwyl Ddewi