The Long and Short of It

From our in box ...

comes a letter from a fan club member asking for advice on choosing a bi-ped.

When I was a puppy the humans would do things like look in my ears and turn me over on my back to see if I would argue. Humans think that if you show spirit, you are willful and will not do well in dog school. It is important for their egos to have an honor roll canine so they can brag to their friends. If they are horse people - or show dog people, who are the worst! – double that.

When choosing a bi-ped look for quality, but not too much quality. A bi-ped who knows which wine to serve with orange roughy is fine, but if he or she doesn’t remember to buy the M&M’s, or doesn’t leave the popcorn bowl on the floor by the TV or share their Nutty Buddy or Dove Bar with you, what is the point? You are the best friend, remember, not the boss or the minister or the snooty relative.

You will want a bi-ped who lets you break the rules whenever possible. These rules are no table food, no chocolate, no Herkimer County cheese, no Mason’s Dots left over from the movie, no pizza, no walks without your human, no sleeping on the bed, no rolling in dead fish at the beach.

It is best to choose a human with a car, preferably a convertible for the summer and a very big credit line on their gas card, so you can go out every day. Make sure that they are not too neat about their car or fussy, because if you don’t have sand on you, how will your friends know you have been to the beach?

We can explore this important topic in another column, because there is too much to remember, and I think the raccoon is on the back porch, and I have to go bark and annoy the stupid neighbors.