The Long and Short of It

Ha ha. It is Halloween. I am pacing the floor wondering where management is and if she remembered to buy treats for the young bipeds. Ordinarily I do not care about biped children. In the old days they would play stick with me. That was before I was really famous like I am now. They squeal and jump around a lot. I like my peace and quiet. Also, I do not like to share, as all my loyal fans and readers already know, and little toddlers want attention. I am a political animal, though. If attracting little bipeds once a year because we have fun size candy bars - not those shrimpy bite size cheater treats - means a chocolate bonanza for me, I can hold my nose and count my Snickers. Results are what it's all about.

That is what all the liberals say when they wish they had said what you just said. “Word.”

Word this. Here is the collar my gangsta friends are going to get for me because I did not rat them out when they were writing words on the jailhouse walls. I save my words for my blog and newsletter. Also, I am too short to write on a wall. It is a handicap I get a lot of mileage out of. You can see the name of my blog: The Long and Short of it. Short has been bery, bery good to me.

The first guy who said that about bery, bery said, “Baseball been bery, bery good to me.” I do not know if he is a Detroit Tigers fan, but they lost the World Series. If you read my blog, you will learn a lot. Any team that is named after cats should not even be allowed to play in the World Series. They have it all mixed up in baseball. The team that does not ever play in the World Series is named after baby bears.

Well, I did not receive my bling bling collar in the mail yet. Maybe they do not have enough stamps.

Because I am sick and tired of waiting for the dumb bunnies that run Pizza Hut and Popeye's Chicken to come to me, my agent sent me out to get my picture taken a bunch of times doing things like here where I am supposed to be modeling my collar. We could not get ahold of my friends from the Bastille (That is French) to tell them where to send my bling bling, so I wore my regular collar. It is persimmon colored according to management. Dogs are color blind, but this dog knows green. Persimmon is another color they use in catalogs.

I will show you the collar I am supposed to get in the mail from the dogz in the hood. Blogger is a bitch today, and we have to get going so the boss can burn calories. Also we have a beach fight meeting. Then dinner. I am busy. What can I say?

We had a communications blackout at the animal incarceration facility a/k/a the dog hotel. Hotel Gitmo, maybe. That is why I did not post any energetic and smart editorials or columns on my blog. They also found crust crumbs and tomato sauce from our pizza party all over the work station, so we were on lockdown 24/7. Oh, and one of the cats threw up on the keyboard.

This is me today after the boss bailed me out. We took a walk by our beach. They keep moving logs and rocks around where I do not know they are.

Then I had a chocolate donut hole from Dunkin' Donuts. I think we will have to hang out there more.often. I like my coffee with 3 sugars and cream. Thank you.

I heard the slammer warden telling management that I sleep very hard, and they worry that I am dead. Then they give her a big, fat bill to prove how much they care.

They do not even have CNN. No field trips. No movies or potluck suppers. You would act dead, too. These bipeds are so boring.

Well, managemment feels really guilty, so I expect she will buy me a lot of treats this week and we will go on rides to cool places. Also, I have a photo shoot for Leo Burnett.

None of the biped workers showed up here today. It is Sunday. They charge you anyway. My accountant is going to hear about this.

One of my new friends is a pretty good hacker. He is a Border Collie. I do not know what he is in for. We ordered pizza for everyone, even the cats. Tuna pizza. We used John Kerry's VISA card. Like I said, my friend is good.

Later he hacked Management's photo hosting service. This is what he found.

I guess there is not a lot to do in Iowa but take pictures of dish mops and little people in $700. strollers. The white boys are Truman and Winston. Truman does not have a clue. He was home schooled. It shows. Winston at least knows how to fetch his toys.

I think the boss took baby out around the University of Iowa. They have a lot of artsy coffee shops where they make socially conscious drip coffee and organic muffins. They read Harper's and The New Yorker. It is liberal. What can I say?

I did not feel like putting anything on my blog yesterday.

The boss called the joint here and said that she was not going to pick me up. I could tell that she was asking how I was and everything - big deal - and they said, "Oh, he is fine."

Well, what do you expect them to say?

I do not even care about my bling. Management does not love me any more. She is going to Iowa where there are two Maltese and a baby biped. Where does that leave me?

She said that she would send me a care package. So far - zilch. Not even a crummy bulk section dog cookie.

She is probably eating dinner out every night at fancy restaurants with her friends and taking the leftovers to her sister's cats. One of them is named Charles. The other one is George. They are stupid - needless to say. I used to live with Charles. OK, so I was a little rude to him. He weighs 13 pounds. it is not like he is a little kitten or anything.

Management can wear her used jewelry from eBay. I will wear my diamonds. She has another think coming if she sees my bling bling and wants to borrow it. If she wants some, she can go to the bastille. That is French.

I have been learning some new things from my friends here in the slammer. They come from the 'hood. That is short for neighborhood. They be sprayin' graf on the walls. They do not know too many words, and they have bad penmanship. On one wall they put 'Booty' and 'Bitch, you ain't that fine.' I am a trustee, so I am supposed to bust them, but they said they could get me some bling for my collar. So I take a nap when they act all crazy 'n sh*t. Management took my collar, so they will have to mail my bling to me. They better get plenty of insurance. I will have to remind them.

Found an empty office. They let me do whatever I want here because I am old, and they think I cannot cause them any trouble. I am a trustee around this Alcatraz, because I am cute and conservative. Liberals do not get to be trustess. They get thrown into solitary.

My friends and I found this book. You can't believe how many of these dogs can't read. This is the propaganda they put out on Pembroke Welsh Corgis. "They do not nip as much as the Cardigan, but they are still not recommended for very young children."

Have you ever been around children of biped Yuppies? You would nip them, too.

Well, back to looking senile. Later.

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Blogging from the joint. Me, some mutts, a std poodle & a chow.

Cops just here. Choc lab mongrel crashed cat dorm. No arrests.

Ordered pizza last nite. Triple sausage. Yum. 2 xtra lg.

Chinese tonite. Fried won ton, curry steak.

Boss in Chgo. Better take-out there. Better left-overs, too.

We move soon. Hope cats do not come w/ us.

The focus group results are in, and I am sorry, but my conservative base would get mad at me if I linked to liberal whining. But I will tell you a story about our visit to the lake.

I think our car must have a magnet that attracts pick-up trucks. We were parked, and I was taking a stroll around, catching up on the dog news which you can find at every fire hydrant or post. I was very, very busy at an old log, and the boss kept interrupting me: "Come on. Let's go, Arthur." (I never respond to mere verbal notices. I have learned that she always has a treat hidden, and if I stall long enough, she will produce it. I drive a hard bargain, but that is why I am so successful.)

Well, yahoo, mountain dew, up drives a Ford truck with a driver who said, "What kind of a dog is that?"

The boss has a standard speech. "He's a Welsh Corgi. They're a herding breed. They nip at the heels of cattle or sheep."

In your dreams, maybe.

Ford said,"That's a Chicago dog, I bet. You're from Chicago, aren't you?"

Oh, God. I tried to get away, but Miss Friendly says,"Oh, I am a native, but I lived in Chicago, too. We're going back there soon."

Why do these liberals think they have to be so informative?

I know. Transparency. They want everything to be see-through.

Coming soon!

The Dumpster Club for all loyal fans and blog guests or associates. I still haven't decided. I am an artist. Deadlines are for the staff.

Every dumpster included in the Dumpster Club will be inspected by me, so it can be called an ArthurCorgi Signature Dumpster. Here I give the once-over to an impressive candidate.

We are heading for my beach now. After the boss gets some coffee. Then she will report on it.

I might link to her shrivly little blog, but I do not want a bunch of liberals trashing my place. There is such a thing as being too nice.

Some days I do not feel like getting up right away in the morning or hopping to bossy commands. Take today, for instance. You will need some background.

Last night it was quite pleasant, so there were lots of bipeds in the park with their dogs. One such biped brought three (3) dogs, and they parked right beside us, but they were rude. What do you know but one (1) of the four-legged snobs was a Corgi. A red to be exact about it. A red is not as cute or wonderful as a tri-color like me. Management, I know because I see her google cache, has been looking up Corgis, especially reds. I guess when you have been to the mountain top, you go somewhere else the next time.

Anyway, I got out of the car to greet my many fans and inspect the grounds. Then the boss brushed me, but I made her chase me around, because she is getting fat. Then I had some water. Then the rude dogs ran right by me, and management was gushing over the dumb red. So, I decided to take a walk. It was kind of dark by the time I agreed to get back into the car.

After such a hectic visit to the park, I was bushed. (That means "tired". It does not have anything to do with my hero.) Today was a day for sleeping in. (See photo, left.)

The black cord thing is a rubber strip that will not stay stuck to the car. I do not think management knows what she is doing. It is time to buy a brand new Land Rover. It is named for a dog. I suppose you-know-who will buy a liberal car like a Prius.

I have decided to do something nice and thoughtful for my fan club members and blog associates. That's right. Even if you are too cheap or poor to join my fan club, I will still call you an associate. Maybe a guest. I haven't decided.

This is the outline of my generous offer. Do not think that I am sharing. That is for liberals. I am making you an offer you should not refuse.

For just 9.95 per month you can receive my informative newsletter, and if you choose a premium subscription, I will let you in on dining tips. As part of this terrific offer, your premium subscription will include an official decal for your car or cardboard box. Also my picture. Then once a month, I will write about the best dumpsters and garbage cans. Enter our exclusive drawing, and one lucky winner each month will get First Dive. It is my special way of saying Thank You to all you loyal fans and blog readers.

Pay attention and tell all your friends. Keep watching for more details.

(I was much cuter than this.)

I enjoy young dogs.

When I have time to bum around, I google ‘puppy love’ or ‘corgi member’. There are some sick-o’s out there, and I want to catch them. They visit bad websites, so I visit them, too, so I can get a feel for what their sick, perverted minds are up to.

I am the Corgi Member of the GOP family values committee. That is why I google ‘corgi member’. Honest.

Some really jealous liberal bipeds are trying to say that we do not have any values at all, except maybe bargain basement values. That is because they have a nanny filter on their computers, and we do not, because we have to boldly go onto the web and check out smut. We are brave and true.

Ever since 9/11 I have been humping like crazy to keep on top of puppy porn. The terrorists will try anything. We must fight them on the web so they do not come to America.