The Long and Short of It

I would like to talk today about inflation. My Milk-Bone dog biscuits for Medium dogs 20-50 pounds, 26 oz. net wt., quality since 1908 have gone up to $3.19 from $2.99, and they were $2.79 just a few months ago. I remember, because I was doing a financial plan at the time.

Even though I didn’t learn arithmetic in dog school – that came later – do the math. .4/2.79 is 0.14336917562724014336917562724014. Does Alan Greenspan know about this? They are trying to tell us that there is no inflation. Milk-Bone dog biscuits for Medium dogs have gone up 14%, and they still haven’t figured out how to not break them, because I do not like a partial treat. So there is none of that business about higher quality dog biscuits to explain this price gouging.

Management is going to have to cut back on foolish expenditures like Northland Cranberry juice, which is $4.39 and salad. We had pizza last night, and she ordered a salad. How will we afford M&M’s, if she keeps buying useless junk like lettuce? Barney Bush’s family might be able to afford lettuce and M&M’s, but we aren’t rich. Yet.

Pretty soon I am going to be 14. Be sure to remember, because I like presents. But today is my biped friend Jim’s birthday. Jim C. - to preserve his anonymity. He likes lots of salt on his popcorn and extra butter. And he likes hot dogs only sometimes he gets nachos and the peppers are hot, and I like cheese and everything, but I say hold the peppers. He keeps saying he will take me to Demon Dogs on Fullerton. Maybe he should take me to Ruth Chris’ because I like steak, too. He could get a T-bone and then let me have the bone, but I like a New York strip, because I am sophisticated.

for Akamaru
Valentine’s Day. Huh.
The bipeds hoard their stash of
candy. Rebellion.

Two nights ago Clarence the stupid cat got into his catnip and spilled it all out on the rug. It was in a cabinet, and management was sorting through the other stuff in it and forgot to close the door. It’s bad enough that I have to live with welfare ragamuffins. Then they get drunk and disorderly. The only good thing is that management won’t vacuum the rug, because the catnip was $5.00, and she is too cheap to buy more. I hate the vacuum cleaner, but the alley dwellers hate it more.

Then yesterday a certain someone popped for $1.17 worth of dog biscuits from the bulk section. They were on sale for 79 cents a pound. Tax is 6% on “non-food” items. The government says my dog biscuits are not food. This is clearly discrimination, and I will consider suing them. If cheese puffs, which are excellent but mostly air, are “food”, then dog biscuits for when I don’t feel like eating healthy weight formula Nutro and there isn’t any cold pizza or anything good in the refrigerator, are definitely food. The government better think again.

We stopped reading the New York Times, because they do not tell us what is going on, and they will not print my letters to the editor, even though I am just about the smartest Corgi there is.

They did not tell us that the government was pulling a fast one by spying on us when we were talking on the phone. What if I called my relatives in Wales? What if I told them about the cherry bombs the stupid neighbors exploded? Would I get on a list? I am already on the No Fly List. I think this government needs a long time out in the corner. And the New York Times can go in the other corner.

Well, anyway, the headline in this editor’s mailbox today said that low fat does not make you healthy. Yesterday I already told you that spread is dumb. You do not need the New York Times. Just come to my blog every day.

While Blogger was on strike, management made some bread and banana bread. I do not like to run out of bread, because you can have toast only if you have bread. Toast is an excellent snack. Toasted banana bread is good, but I personally prefer plain toast with lots of real butter, not "spread". Spread is dumb. If you have banana bread it means you bought too many bananas or you are too cheap to buy bananas that aren't rotten, bottom line. Your food tells a lot about you. People are watching.

From our in box ...

comes a letter from a fan club member asking for advice on choosing a bi-ped.

When I was a puppy the humans would do things like look in my ears and turn me over on my back to see if I would argue. Humans think that if you show spirit, you are willful and will not do well in dog school. It is important for their egos to have an honor roll canine so they can brag to their friends. If they are horse people - or show dog people, who are the worst! – double that.

When choosing a bi-ped look for quality, but not too much quality. A bi-ped who knows which wine to serve with orange roughy is fine, but if he or she doesn’t remember to buy the M&M’s, or doesn’t leave the popcorn bowl on the floor by the TV or share their Nutty Buddy or Dove Bar with you, what is the point? You are the best friend, remember, not the boss or the minister or the snooty relative.

You will want a bi-ped who lets you break the rules whenever possible. These rules are no table food, no chocolate, no Herkimer County cheese, no Mason’s Dots left over from the movie, no pizza, no walks without your human, no sleeping on the bed, no rolling in dead fish at the beach.

It is best to choose a human with a car, preferably a convertible for the summer and a very big credit line on their gas card, so you can go out every day. Make sure that they are not too neat about their car or fussy, because if you don’t have sand on you, how will your friends know you have been to the beach?

We can explore this important topic in another column, because there is too much to remember, and I think the raccoon is on the back porch, and I have to go bark and annoy the stupid neighbors.