The Long and Short of It

Someone probably should take the camera phone away from a certain bi-ped. I am so glad I was not with her when she took this picture in the grocery store line. It is almost as bad as when she sings along with the movie soundtrack. Once in a while we go to the drive-in movies. Other cars throw their popcorn tubs and Coke cups at our car. She does not care.

Still, this is an important story not covered by the TV and regular newspapers. Laura is Barney Bush's mother, his human mother, anyway. Somebody named Condi is wrecking Barney's home.

I do not think that Barney reads my blog, probably because I live with a cuckoo liberal who writes her own blog about Karl Marx, who said, "Workers of the world, unite!" Maybe he did not say that, but that is what he meant. If she would just shut up and say things like, "I heart W." I bet Barney would start reading The Long and Short of It. Then he could get some help.

See how selfish these liberals are?

Not to milk my birthday or anything, but I turned 100 years old yesterday. If my driver hadn't been sweating over boxes of papers and driving to our storage unit all day, she might have had time to drive me to the library where, as you know, I have been posting my stimulating blog posts and issuing my newsletter to members of my fan club (only $9.95 per year, $29.95 for a deluxe membership, which includes personal visits to eat steak at your house.)

Well, anyway, our biped friend Jim figured the exact date because he is very smart in math. I am a literary figure, and I know when I am being shortchanged, but the finer points of x and y I pay my staff to figure out.

One hundred is in dog years. In human years I am 14 1/4. You do not get presents or a party for 14 1/4.

My Jubilee celebration is going to be this summer. Play your cards right, I will send you an invitation.

How do you like my cool portrait?

As you can see, I have set up my post at the perimeter of our territory where I can watch for intruders. Also, my dish and water bowl are just out of sight to the left in case I need a snack or a drink. Sometimes the illegals try to get a sip of water out of my bowl. Maybe they are thirsty, but how stupid can you get? (That is a Ralph Lauren towel, by the way. It is very thick. )

More pictures to follow. Agent Arthur signing off.

For a celebrity I am a pretty mellow guy.

Just recently I allowed Clarence the cat to rub under my chin, even though I do not like him as a rule. He was quite helpful in the chicken caper, I admit, and being a little slow, he hardly got any for himself, but that's his tough luck. We ruling class elites just use the labor when we need it and then drop you like a hot potato when we do not need you any more. It is that simple.

"Winner take all," is what I always say. I am a conservative, after all.

Which brings me to my topic du jour, squatters and opportunists sneaking under the fence at night to eat and sleep in our deck chairs. What's more, they demand first quality service and food. The boss finally got some sense and bought store brand crunchies on sale. If you are on welfare you do not get to be choosy. And do you know what? They act like they are mad or something.

They can just go ahead and have a protest march up and down our street. Carry signs. Meow slogans at the top of their lungs. We are moving soon anyway.

I am documenting this for a PBS special. We have a new cell phone with a camera. 'Think I am kidding?

Stay tuned.

The other night management brought home a bag of mega M&Ms. It says, "Bold Colors" right on the bag.

I was thinking, "Gee. Why do we need different M&M colors? The regular ones are fine with me, and besides, management does not eat the brown ones, which is better for me in case the bag spills on the floor. What if the bold M&Ms are all her favorite colors? Where does that leave me?"

Here is what the m&m's website says about them: "Mega M&M'S®, a new version of the iconic color-coated candies, are on average 55 percent bigger in size than original M&M'S® and come in six new hues that appeal to adults: maroon, teal, blue-gray, beige, gold and brown. "

I was worried for nothing.

Since I read the J Jill and J Crew catalogs from time to time to see how the boss is spending our money, I know how to name colors. You do not say 'purple'. You say 'eggplant' or 'wicked witch' or 'iris' or 'queen of the night'. You do not say 'maroon', either. I guess the m&m people have all their taste in their mouth. If they had called me, I would have told them what to name the colors - red ink, hypothermia, bruise, bore me, bug splat and tree stump.

They even talked about this on CNN Money. "M&M's targets adults". I am an adult. I think this is stupid. It is hard being an artist.